Portland Police Politely Ask Extremist Gang Permission to Issue Parking Ticket
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble we'll just issue this citation and be out of your hair, and I'll even knock off 50%," pleaded officer Gary Glitter.
Portland, OR - In a cringe-worthy display of bureaucratic courtesy, the Portland Police Department has made headlines by politely requesting permission to issue a parking ticket, from the often violent militant group "The Anti Anti-Fascists." The offending member was a local chapter leader who allegedly ran over a family of four while high on crystal meth, parking his car on a sidewalk curb afterward.
The incident, which occurred in the heart of downtown Portland, has sparked general disinterest among the public. Witnesses report that the family of four was crossing the street when the suspect, identified as high-ranking cross dresser Kitty LeMueor, barreled through the intersection. The vehicle finally came to a stop on the sidewalk, narrowly missing a defecating derelict.
When officers arrived at the scene, they reportedly found the suspect in a dazed state, mumbling incoherently about a faulty bomb that had scorched his mutilated face the day before. Instead of arresting the suspect on the spot, officers, in an unprecedented and cowardly move, politely requested permission from the gang's underlings to issue a parking ticket for the egregious violation of parking on the sidewalk curb. No mention was made of the quadruple manslaughter.
"We wanted to respect the chain of command within the gang and ensure we weren't stepping on any toes," said Officer Gary Glitter. "We understand that these are complex times and that enforcing the law requires a delicate balance of power and diplomacy. We recognize these cats are the top dogs right now, and we're just the lowly, muddy swine.”
Critics have lambasted the police department's approach, pointing to it as a clear example of how Portland has descended into lawlessness and chaos. Since the 2020 George Floyd incident and the subsequent demonization and defunding of the police by Democrat mayors and district attorneys, the city has seen a sharp increase in crime and a corresponding decrease in effective law enforcement.
"It's like a dystopian nightmare," said local tarot card reader Janet Morales. "Criminals are running the city with impunity while police are reduced to asking permission to do their jobs. What's next? Are we going to start negotiating with shoplifters to only steal deodorant from Walgreens on Tuesdays?"
The gang, known for their violent clashes with law enforcement, journalists and civilians, reportedly laughed off the police request. "They actually asked us if it was okay to give him a parking ticket," said an anonymous member, wearing a black hood, sunglasses and several surgical masks. "We couldn't believe it. We told them to buzz off."
"We're trying to find a middle ground here," Officer Glitter explained. "We believe that by focusing on smaller infractions, we can build a rapport and eventually address the larger issues, while not getting our asses kicked."
Meanwhile, residents of Portland and other similarly affected cities like San Francisco and Seattle are left to fend for themselves as law enforcement agencies grapple with their increasing impotence. "This isn't just a Portland problem," said national crime expert Dick Jenkins. "Cities across the country are experiencing a breakdown of order and a rise in criminal boldness, all while police are hamstrung by political agendas and public scorn. But let's hope if they do regain power, they wont succumb to actual fascist tendencies like they did during Covid."
As the situation in Portland continues to unravel, many are left wondering: when will the madness end? And what will it take for law and order to be restored in a city now overcome with homeless tent encampments and criminal activity? For now, it seems, the only tickets being issued are for parking violations – and even those are subject to approval from the city's new Soros-backed masters, The Anti Anti-Fascists. What are your thoughts on once great American cities descending into chaos, and how can it be solved? Let us know in the comments below.
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Flashback:
Chicago, Portland and San Francisco Team Up in Diabolical 'AXIS OF FILTH'
Subscribe for more brutal modern day roasts. In an unscheduled, unprecedented announcement today, three infamous US cities - Chicago, Portland and San Francisco - have joined forces to create an allia…
Not satire:
For more Portland coverage, check out journalist Andy Ngo on X.
What does it say about the country I live in when I can’t tell if this is truth or parody? The whole thing sounds entirely plausible for Portland, so my money’s on truth!
That was so funny I had to read the first headline out loud for my wife and she laughed, too. If my budget ever allows it (I know $7 per month is reasonable; but if I subscribe to half a dozen "'Stacks" that would cost me more than $500.00 per year and I don't have it.) That being said, if things turn around, you will have another paid subscriber. Thank you for posting.
As regards your question regarding the fate of Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, LA, Chicago, St. Louis, Detroit, Flint, Atlanta, and NYC, once Bidenomics kicks in, the brain damaged racists and anarchists will turn to cannibalism and, if one of Biden's brains is still functioning, bounties could (and should) be put on these lawbreakers.