"White Dudes for Harris" to Start Soybean Farm
"We hit it off so well we decided to go into business," said member Lou Sassole.
*Los Angeles, CA* — In an ironic twist, the latest fundraiser for Kamala Harris' 2024 presidential campaign, dubbed "White Dudes for Harris," ended not with a round of applause but with a spontaneous decision to start an actual soybean farm.
The event, held over Zoom, brought together a mix of white liberal men, including notable out-of-touch Hollywood actors like the now insufferable Mark Hamill, whose cringe-inducing Twitter/X page is littered with woke rants and Biden worship. The conference, intended to rally support for Harris, quickly became a love-fest of affirmations, with shared disdain for non-organic kale, and emotional monologues about the "joys of allyship." However, the real highlight of the evening came when Hamill, fresh off a 20-tweet thread about the importance of using gender-neutral pronouns for Ewoks, proposed a radical idea: "Why not start a soybean farm?"
The suggestion was met with enthusiastic nods and approving snaps (clapping is apparently considered a micro-aggression in this circle). "It just makes sense," said Bryce, a self-described "plant-based life coach" from Portland. "Soy is, like, the ultimate symbol of masculinity."
The group quickly got to work, brainstorming farm names like "Soyboy Fields Forever" and "Sissy Soy Seeders." Plans were laid out for a business model that included a farm-to-table vegan cafe, a YouTube channel featuring tutorials on crafting the perfect tofu, and a podcast called "Soy to the World," where they could discuss the nuances of plant-based diets and their passion for obscure indie bands.
Of course, the venture wasn't just about soybeans. It was also about the community. "We're not just farming soy; we're planting the seeds of change," explained Trevor, a nose-ringed former barista. "We want to create a safe space for crops to grow, free from the toxic masculinity of traditional agriculture." He and Bryce then got into a heated discussion about the true meaning and merits of "masculinity" before hugging it out.
As for the farming itself, the group admitted they had no actual experience but expressed confidence that their combined degrees in gender studies, liberal arts, and interpretive dance would more than prepare them for the task ahead.
The announcement of the new soybean farm was met with a mixed response on social media. Some praised the group's initiative, while others couldn't resist poking fun at the irony of a bunch of white liberal men with "soy" in their veins deciding to grow more of it. But the "White Dudes for Harris" remained undeterred. "We're just here to make the world a better, more inclusive place," said Todd, a vegan CrossFit instructor. "One soybean at a time."
As the "White Dudes for Harris" soybean farm venture gains momentum, a new and unexpected rival event has emerged: "White Dudes for Trump," which was met with outrage and cries of racism across the mainstream media. CNN host Joy Reid suffered a massive heart attack upon hearing the news but is said to be in stable condition.
In the end, the "White Dudes for Harris" fundraiser was widely mocked and derided as a guilt-laden cringe fest replete with enough estrogen to make Mike Tyson eligible for the women's boxing division. But perhaps more importantly, it launched what could be the most earnest—and possibly least practical—agricultural venture in recent history. As the Zoom call ended, the group collectively raised their mugs of herbal tea and toasted to their new savior, Kamala Harris, and their new business endeavor. Only time will tell if it's a success or it flops harder than the latest DEI-infused video game. What are your predictions? Let us know in the comments below!
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Context:
‘White Dudes for Harris’? Kamala is the queen of cringe -Spiked
It's been said that there are three ways to lose a fortune. The fastest is racing horses, the most pleasant is women, and the surest is agriculture.
🤣🤣🤣 Nothing says “I’m a Beta” like White Dudes for Kamala!!