The Democrat Plot to Re-Elect Trump and Fulfill Ancient Babylonian Prophecy
The Trump conviction saga all makes sense in the context of new astounding insider revelations.
Washington, D.C. — In a revelation that seems plucked from the pages of a conspiracy thriller novel, Democrat whistleblower Hugh Jaynis has confirmed a deeper motivation to the political persecution of former President Donald Trump and the many criminal charges levied against him. It's not to bring him down—quite the contrary. The audacious plan is to make a martyr of Trump and ultimately re-elect him, and the reason may surprise you. They believe he must return to power in order to fulfill the prophecy of an ancient Babylonian secret society known as the "Order of the Golden Duck."
High-ranking Democrats, including Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Kamala Harris, have been revealed as covert members of the enigmatic cult, along with several prominent figures in mainstream media, whose secret occult rituals involve hooded robes and a large gold duck statue. According to a holy scripture inscribed on a clay tablet locked away in a secret chamber below the Capital, the world must be ruled twice by a leader with "a comb-over as golden as the sun and skin like the sunset," and he'll "share a name with a popular anthropomorphic duck." It also mentioned he'd likely be "loud, fat and obnoxious."
The prophecy continues—once the chosen one rises to power a second time, the fabled "Nephilim" will at last return to this planet and complete their eons-old quest to mine Earthly gold, with Trump to donate his own rich supply as a sacrament to the 12-foot tall gods of old. And with that gold they shall replenish and refuel the great mothership lying dormant beneath the Sphinx, effectively opening a dimensional portal to the legendary "Hall of Records" that contains the entire documented history of the thirteen cycles of civilization, in crystal form. Armed with this lost knowledge, the Democrats can finally accomplish their dastardly endgame: the resurrection of Karl Marx himself, so they can usher in a Marxist utopia to last 26,000 years—a full precession of the equinox.
Several of Trump's most vocal "critics" are actually members of the Order of the Golden Duck, working covertly to get him re-elected. Notable celebrities such as Robert De Niro, Rob Reiner, Stephen King, Howard Stern, and Keith Olbermann have been revealed as secret proponents of the Golden Duck prophecy. Despite their public denunciations, these stars have been seen participating in clandestine meetings, fervently discussing Trump's critical role in fulfilling the ancient prophecy.
Robert De Niro, who frequently calls Trump a "national disgrace," has been intentionally acting uninformed and unprepared at press conferences, while antagonizing the general public like a heel WWE wrestler. Rob Reiner, known for his vehement anti-Trump tweets, is covertly writing scripts that cast Trump as a misunderstood hero. Stephen King, the master of horror, has been weaving pro-Trump messages into his novels, hinting at a leader with remarkably unique golden hair destined to save the world from unspeakable terror. Meanwhile, Howard Stern's on-air critiques are a clever ruse, with off-air prayers and offerings to "The Great Golden Chosen One." Even Keith Olbermann, despite his fiery rants, is rumored to be penning a book in which he does a 180 on Trump, titled "Reeeeeeee! Raaaawwwwwrrrr! Phththththththth! Blaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!" (Thanks for that one, Babylon Bee.)
Democrats, in their secret meetings, decided the best way to ensure Trump's re-election was to make him appear as the ultimate anti-establishment underdog. The more ludicrous the charges, the more the American public would rally behind him, viewing him as a persecuted hero destined for greatness. In addition, the trials would take place in an actual "kangaroo court," staffed with real-life western grey kangaroos from southern Australia, wearing suits and ties, with the "judge" storing a gavel in her pouch. Some of their more absurd accusations against Trump are as follows:
—Stealing the Declaration of Independence: In a nod to the famous Nicolas Cage movie "National Treasure," Democrats alleged that Trump had concocted an elaborate scheme to swipe the Declaration of Independence from the National Archives Museum, with Trump himself single-handedly out-maneuvering the museum's laser trip-wire security alarm system. The accusation claims he planned to add his signature next to the Founding Fathers', believing it would grant him "supreme historical significance."
—Moon Landing Fakery: Another charge alleges that Trump, in collaboration with Stanley Kubrick, faked the moon landing, wanting to keep the surface natural and undisturbed in preparation for his secret "Trump Lunar Golf Course."
—9/11 Complicity: Democrats allege Trump actually helped Osama bin Laden plan the horrific 9/11 attacks that took over 3,000 American lives, stating that he fed the Al Qaeda terrorist cell sensitive information from within the US under the alias Abdu-nald al-Trumpzi.
"We knew we had to go big or go home," said whistleblower Hugh Jaynis. "The 9/11 charge was a stroke of genius. It’s so ludicrous that the public has no choice but to defend him! And the prophecy says the chosen one must be defended by the masses."
Once the story broke, the American public reacted to the revelation with a mixture of disbelief, amusement, and bewilderment. Social media platforms are buzzing with hashtags like #GoldenDuckProphecy and #TrumpedUpCharges, while late-night comedians have found an endless supply of material. "If Trump is the chosen one, I have to question the ancient Babylonians' judgment," quipped Stephen Colbert.
Even Trump himself has weighed in on the controversy. At a recent rally, he addressed the crowd. "They say I’m here to fulfill a prophecy. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But you’ve got to admit, my hair does look pretty golden! Pretty golden… And as for the Nephilim? Well, they’d love me. Tremendous beings. Just tremendous. These incredible, gigantic extraterrestrial beings, some say they were the architects of mankind. They came from the stars, powerful and wise, and they saw the potential in this planet, our beautiful Earth, rich in resources, especially gold. They needed gold, folks, not for jewelry, but for something much more advanced, something we can only dream of. So what did they do? They created us, the human race—the best race in the galaxy, to assist in their grand endeavor. Can you believe it? They taught us, they guided us, and in return, we helped them with their mining operations. This is a story of cooperation, of working together for a greater purpose—something very familiar to the millions and millions of MAGA supporters.
"It's a fascinating tale, isn't it, folks? These giants from another world, coming here, creating mankind, all for the pursuit of gold. They're my kind of race, folks! And who knows, maybe one day we'll discover more about our alien ancestors, the Nephilim, and their incredible journey to Earth. Tremendous tale, truly tremendous."
As the 2024 election looms, one thing is certain: the intersection of politics and ancient prophecies has never been more entertaining. Whether the Order of the Golden Duck's scheme will succeed in bringing about the return of the Nephilim and resurrection of Karl Marx remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: the lengths to which the Democrats will go to fulfill an ancient Babylonian prophecy have provided the nation with an endless supply of comedic inspiration. For now, Americans are left to ponder: will the prophecy come true, and when will the Trump Lunar Golf Course be open to the general public? Let us know your predictions in the comments below!
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The Order of the Golden Duck!!! I’m dyin’ here! I’ll never be able to look at Rob Reiner or Stephen King again without thinking “quack, quack”!
“When the kings of the earth who committed adultery with her and shared her luxury see the smoke of her burning, they will weep and mourn over her. Terrified at her torment, they will stand far off and cry: "`Woe! Woe, O great city, O Babylon, city of power! In one hour your doom has come!” Revelations 18:9-10