Olympics Opening Ceremony Deemed "Too Offensive" by Church of Satan

"Even we're shocked and appalled," said Warlock Jeffrey Ba'al Zebub.

Paris, France — In an unprecedented turn of events, the official Church of Satan has released a statement condemning the opening ceremony of the 2024 Olympics, calling it "way too offensive and over-the-line" and "a gross misrepresentation of our principles." The ceremony, which featured adult and child drag queens mocking Christianity alongside an array of Satanic imagery, has sparked outrage across various sectors — even among those who regularly enjoy a good occult ritual or two.

Lucien Greaves, spokesperson for the Church of Satan, expressed shock and dismay at the ceremony. "We appreciate artistic expression and parody, but this was something else entirely. The inclusion of children in drag and overt mockery of religious symbols was not just over the top; it was insulting to even us Satanists. We have standards, you know," he said, adjusting his horned headband.

The ceremony, which had been hyped as a "bold, inclusive celebration," took a turn when performers dressed as demonic cheerleaders led the audience in a chant that many assumed was going to be a fun, light-hearted slogan. Instead, they found themselves unwittingly participating in a ritualistic parody of a church service, complete with unholy communion wafers and red wine "blood."

In one particularly controversial segment, child drag queens danced around a neon cross while dressed as little incubi, prompting gasps from the crowd. The scene reached its climax when a performer dressed as a priest delivered a monologue that began with, "Blessed are the queer," and ended with a dramatic, "Hail Beyoncé!" causing the stadium lights to dim and flicker ominously.

"We thought it was going to be a fun, edgy performance," said one attendee, "but when the bloody goat's head appeared and started singing 'Like a Prayer,' we knew it had gone off the rails."

The Church of Satan's official statement criticized the ceremony for its "tasteless and crude" portrayal of Satanic themes. "We advocate for individuality and freedom of expression, but there's a line. Incorporating children in such a performance is irresponsible and distasteful," the statement read. "We're all for challenging the status quo, but this was just plain weird. What the f*ck were they thinking?"

The Olympic Committee, caught off guard by the backlash, has been quick to distance itself from the controversial show. "We wanted something different, something people would remember," said the committee's artistic director, Marina Abramović. "Well, they won't forget this anytime soon."

Meanwhile, sponsors are scrambling to clarify their involvement. "We were under the impression that this would be a celebration of diversity and inclusion," said a spokesperson for a major soda brand. "Instead, we got fat, hairy, bearded dudes dressed as Cinderella mocking a major world religion and exposing their nuts to kids. We're sorry."

For now, the 2024 Olympics will be remembered not for athletic achievements but for an opening ceremony that seemed to mark a cultural turning point. The spectacle, so controversial it offended even the Church of Satan, is being seen by some as a sign of the times—a troubling indicator of the decline of Western civilization. As one spectator grimly noted, "When the Church of Satan thinks you've gone too far, maybe it’s time to rethink your wicked ways." What are your thoughts on the Olympics opening ceremony? Harmless fun or total blasphemy? Let us know in the comments below!

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