NYC Rats Form Subway Safety Patrol

The rodent brigade arose in response to several heinous crimes in recent weeks, vowing to keep commuters safe in the absence of competent governance.

Manhattan, NY - In a city where crime and chaos have become as common as overpriced lattes, The Big Apple’s subway system has found an unlikely savior: rats. But not just any rats—a coalition of highly organized, crime-fighting rodents who’ve seen enough. Once scorned by residents as disease carrying pests, this mighty brigade has quickly become the talk of the town.

The rat subway safety patrol was born out of desperation. Following a series of senseless, heinous crimes, including the burning to death of a disabled woman and a man being pushed in front of an oncoming train, New Yorkers had lost all hope. Stabbings and robberies became the daily norm, and the subway, once the lifeblood of the city, transformed into a gauntlet of fear. It was in these dire times that the rats rose to the occasion, led by one Master Splinter. A man-sized, anthropomorphic rat with a black belt in karate and a penchant for justice, he had mutated into his current form after a freak encounter with a mysterious green "ooze" in the subway system.

Splinter, ever the wise and disciplined leader, declared, "We will bring order to this underground chaos. Where humans have failed, we will succeed." His army of rats, equipped with nothing more than sharp teeth, tiny army fatigues, and an unyielding sense of justice, patrolled the subway stations and trains, bringing swift and furry retribution to wrongdoers.

Their most notable achievement came during a staged photo op featuring Mayor Eric Adams and Governor Kathy Hochul. The duo had descended into the depths of the subway while promoting their new "Congestion Pricing" policy. Their plan was to demonstrate how safe it is to ditch cars for public transit, thereby justifying charging drivers extra to enter Manhattan. But critics, including members of the FDNY and NYPD, argued it would hurt low and middle-class citizens by forcing them onto the very subways they now feared, while benefiting the upper class and transportation companies like Uber and Lyft. Not to mention, those very companies spent millions lobbying for the new policy.

But in a stunning twist, the mayor and governor’s photo op turned into an active crime scene when a would-be robber pulled a gun on them at 42nd Street/Grand Central Station. The irony was palpable—the city’s public officials, trying to showcase the safety of the subway, becoming its next victims themselves. But before the thief could snatch their wallets, Master Splinter and his army descended upon him with the speed and fury of a mouse trap. The crook was disarmed in a spectacle of martial arts and squeaky defiance, tied up with a dirty shoe lace and left for the police to find, all before Adams and Hochul could stammer out a word. The menace was arrested and identified as Jared Feely, a career criminal who’d been arrested 5,824 times prior for murder, rape, and other crimes against humanity, but repeatedly released by George Soros-funded district attourneys. CNN described him as a warm-hearted break dancer, showing photos from his high school prom, while Black Lives Matter swiftly organized a rally on his behalf.

Despite this heroic act, the rats' intervention wasn't exactly celebrated. Several New Yorkers voiced their frustration, arguing that the rats should have let the mayor and governor fend for themselves, given their immense incompetence and soft-on-crime policies. "Why save them?" one disgruntled commuter grumbled, barely looking up from his cell phone. "They've done more to harm this city than any low life crook ever could."

The rats, many noted, were doing a better job ensuring the safety of commuters than the NYPD. One rider remarked, "I feel safer with these rats around than I ever did with the cops, and so far, there have been no reports of rat-brutality." In response, the NYPD issued a statement saying, "While we appreciate the efforts of our furry friends, we remind the public that vigilantism is not the answer. We have this under control and they need to stand down. Next thing you know, they'll be demanding pensions and free donuts."

Not everyone was thrilled with the rats' newfound hero status. Woke activists quickly condemned the rats, arguing that their actions were unfairly targeting marginalized communities. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez even launched a "Defund The Rats" campaign, stating, "These rats are perpetuating systemic oppression and need to be held accountable. We should be addressing the root causes of crime, not endorsing vigilante rodents."

The emergence of the NYC rat safety patrol has reignited the debate over Democrat "soft on crime" policies in big liberal cities. Critics argue these policies allow criminals and the mentally unstable to terrorize the streets and subways with impunity, even after multiple arrests. The need for urgent crime policy overhaul is clear—not just to ensure public safety but to restore faith in a system that seems to have sacrificed its citizens on the altar of progressivism. As for the rats, they continue their vigilant watch over the subway, ever the unsung heroes of the underground. One might say the city that never sleeps has gone from rat-infested to rat-protected. When asked if he would ever consider running for public office, Master Splinter chuckled, "I may be a rat, but that job is too dirty, even for me." What are your thoughts on the senseless acts of crime on the NYC subways in recent weeks, and this satirical rodent response? Let us know in the comments below!

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