New Disney Star Wars Flop Leads to Epic George Lucas/Bob Iger Lightsaber Showdown
Tensions between the two moguls came to a head with an action-packed duel to decide the fate of the franchise.
In an entirely precedented turn of events, Disney+ has unveiled their latest addition to the Star Wars franchise, "The Battle for Diversity," geared toward the mythical "modern audience," a series that has taken preaching, pandering and virtue signaling to astronomically absurd heights. Under the guidance of Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy, the show is being spearheaded by showrunner Sarah Kellen, former personal assistant to Jeffrey Epstein, in a move that has been lauded by the Hollywood press but raised more than a few eyebrows among the fan base.
In this new series, among mostly female newcomers, iconic characters such as Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Darth Vader, and even the wise Yoda have undergone radical transformations. Luke Skywalker, once a symbol of hope and heroism, is now portrayed as a perpetually apologetic, whiney feminist who spends most episodes studying the wide variety of genders among alien races at the newly established Galactic Diversity University (GDU). His Jedi powers are now used exclusively for creating safe spaces and leading discussions on the perils of toxic masculinity among the Jedi. Actor Mark Hamill confessed in a candid interview that the new role was not a far stretch for him at all.
Han Solo, the daring smuggler played by Harrison Ford, has been reimagined as "Hannah Solo," a fierce advocate for non-binary rights who uses "they/them" pronouns and pilots a rainbow-colored Millennium Falcon. And the fur-covered Wookiee Chewbacca, in a nod to inclusion, has been race-swapped to an entirely different species.
Darth Vader, the once-feared Sith Lord, has taken up a surprising new cause. In an unexpected twist, Vader now leads the "Empire of Equity," a reformed version of the Galactic Empire dedicated to redistributing wealth across the galaxy and dismantling systemic oppression and force-wielding privileges. The Jedi Order, traditionally seen as the protectors of peace, are now depicted as the oppressive forces of colonialism and capitalism, with Obi-Wan Kenobi running an intergalactic corporation exploiting droids for profit.
Even the beloved droid duo, R2-D2 and C-3PO, have not been spared. R2-D2 has been upgraded to "R2-DEI," whose sole purpose is to promote Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in the galaxy, and now communicates exclusively in neo-pronouns: "Zi, zir, beep, boop, xem, xyr, bleep blop, frog, frogself." C-3PO, meanwhile, spends his time lecturing on critical race theory, reminding everyone that "the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 3,720 to 1, but the odds of dismantling systemic racism and Jedi supremacy are much higher if we all do our part." Further, it's no longer merely implied or theorized that these robots are in a gay relationship, with a hardcore, penetrative sex scene in episode three, which required a full can of WD-40 during filming.
In a particularly unforgettable episode, the venerable Yoda, now donning a rainbow-colored robe and sporting a tiny "Little Aliens Matter" button, has become the galaxy's foremost advocate for "Little Aliens." He spends his time leading rallies with the Ewoks, chanting slogans like, "Size matters not, equality sought!" Yoda's speeches, filled with cryptic wisdom, now focus on the rights of diminutive extraterrestrials, urging the Galactic Senate to pass the Small Species Protection Act. Between council meetings, he can be found running workshops on microaggressions and their impact on beings under three feet tall.
In the ultimate reversal, the Empire is portrayed as a misunderstood coalition of social justice warriors striving to end the galaxy's reliance on outdated Jedi doctrines. Stormtroopers now march in protests, chanting slogans like "Defund the Jedi" and "Free… Free Tatooine." The Death Star has been repurposed into a massive rehabilitation center for recovering Jedi who are learning to renounce their force-wielding ways.
Many long-time fans of the series have decried the franchise's shift towards a "woke" agenda following George Lucas' departure and Disney's takeover. They argue that the magic of Star Wars has been lost in the sea of forced diversity, heavy-handed political messaging, and character alterations that stray far from the original lore, not to mention the abundance of plot armor and plot holes. Forums, social media, and fan conventions are abuzz with frustration and disappointment, with fans lamenting the loss of the nuanced storytelling and rich character development that once defined the series. For these devoted followers, the essence of the galaxy far, far away has been overshadowed by a relentless focus on contemporary social issues and identity politics, leaving them yearning for the days when Star Wars was a unifying adventure rather than a divisive battleground.
Predictably, the new series, “The Battle for Diversity,” has been met with an overwhelmingly negative response from fans, garnering a historic -37% user rating on the review-aggregation website Rotten Tomatoes. However, critics have praised the show as a groundbreaking, progressive masterpiece, awarding it a 98% critic score, exhibiting just how out of touch they are. One critic described it as "a bold reimagining of a beloved universe, replete with queer representation, necessary for the modern age."
In a shocking escalation, the mainstream media, in conjunction with Disney and producer Kathleen Kennedy, has literally declared war on dissenting fans, whom they paint as racist, homophobic, transphobic misogynists high on their own toxic masculinity. Cities known for high concentrations of outspoken viewers have been subjected to an onslaught of carpet bombings by Disney's fleet of B-52 bomber planes, adorned with cute Mickey Mouse heads on the sides. And those who refuse to watch the new series are being hunted down and re-educated at top secret "Magical Femdom" holding facilities deep beneath Disney World.
In a desperate bid to save the franchise, surviving fans have banded together, enlisting the help of none other than George Lucas himself. Realizing the absurd bastardization that has taken place and the abomination that his creation has become, Lucas emerged from retirement to train a new generation of old-school, 1970s Star Wars geeks. Together, they harnessed the power of "the force" in a real-life battle of good versus evil, light versus dark. This mighty coalition has vowed to restore balance, peace, and quality entertainment to the universe, free from the suffocating grasp of preachy, pandering narratives.
In a final twist that could only take place in The Farce Feed, the saga reached its climax with a thrilling, epic, action-packed lightsaber duel between George Lucas and Disney CEO Bob Iger, to decide the fate of the franchise once and for all. The showdown took place at Lucas' “Skywalker Ranch” during a severe evening thunder storm, where Lucas has been training in secret with an ancient, dusty script of the original trilogy, using it as his Jedi manual.
The duel began as Iger, clad in his usual business suit attire, ignited his corporate-branded lightsaber, emitting a spectacular red glow. Lucas, with his trademark smartly-trimmed grey beard and glasses, donning an extra-large robe reminiscent of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s, activated his vintage blue counterpart, the hum of the lightsabers echoing throughout the wide open landscape.
“Your empire of wokeness ends here, Iger!” Lucas declared, drenched from the ferocious rain, swinging his saber with surprising agility for a man of his years.
Iger countered with a smirk, "You can't stop progress, George. The future is inclusive!" He lunged swiftly, their sabers clashing in an explosive shower of sparks.
The duel raged on as they made their way into Lucas' mansion, through the meticulously decorated rooms, smashing through shelves of Star Wars memorabilia and priceless collectibles. Lucas employed clever footwork and cunning strategy, using the Force to hurl action figures and miniature X-wings at Iger. The CEO, however, used his vast corporate training, deflecting attacks with practiced precision while quoting diversity reports and quarterly earnings.
At one point, the two combatants lock sabers, face to face, sweat dripping from their brows. Lucas gritted his teeth and muttered, “You've shit on the fans for too long, Bob.”
With a dramatic flourish, Lucas leaped backward, executing a perfect backflip – thanks to some discreet wire assistance from an old Industrial Light & Magic buddy – landing gracefully atop a display case filled with instruments used by the Cantina band in A New Hope. Iger, momentarily stunned, raised his lightsaber to strike but was thwarted by a barrage of plush Ewoks hurled by Lucas.
As the duel reached its fever pitch, Lucas channeled his inner Jedi Master, using the Force to pull a giant replica of the Millennium Falcon off its stand, sending it crashing towards Iger. The CEO dove out of the way just in time, his suit now tattered and torn, but determination burning in his eyes.
Finally, with a mighty swing, Lucas disarmed Iger by slicing off his right hand clean, sending his red saber clattering across the floor. Panting, bloody and in shock, Iger looked up as Lucas pointed his blue lightsaber at him. “It’s over, Bob. The fans have spoken.”
Iger, defeated but defiant, muttered, “This isn’t the end, Lucas. We’ll be back… and more diverse than ever!”
With that, Lucas deactivated his saber, offering a hand to his fallen foe. “Maybe, Bob, but next time, let’s try not to ruin the galaxy while we’re at it.”
As the dust settles and the lightsabers are put away, one undeniable truth emerges: the importance of honoring the lore and source material of beloved franchises. Star Wars, a saga that has captured the hearts and imaginations of millions for decades, thrives on its rich history and well-crafted universe. Injecting controversial, divisive political messaging and ideology not only alienates long-time fans but also undermines the timeless appeal that draws new audiences. The true power of a franchise lies in its ability to tell compelling stories that transcend generational divides, uniting fans in a shared love for adventure, heroism, and the eternal battle between good and evil. By respecting the original vision and maintaining the integrity of its cherished characters and narratives, creators can ensure that the magic of the Star Wars universe—and others like it—endures for generations to come, just as it did a long time ago in a galaxy not so far, far away. What are your thoughts on this latest Disney Star Wars iteration? A much needed refresh or appalling dumpster fire? Let us know in the comments below!
Thanks for joining us! Please consider a $5 monthly subscription or a donation to support our work.
All I had to see was “former personal assistant to Jeffrey Epstein” to see that was what was her payment to keep her mouth shut. She deserves to be in PRISON!!!
R2-DEI got me good