Dog Charged with Felony Hate Crime for Peeing on Pride Rainbow Crosswalk
The daring beagle faces life in the pound if convicted.
San Francisco, CA – In what some are describing as a shocking display of canine criminality, an otherwise lovable and adorable beagle named Sparky has been charged with a felony hate crime for relieving himself on a newly painted LGBTQIA+ pride rainbow crosswalk in the heart of San Francisco. The incident has sparked outrage among community members and city officials, who are now attempting to smear the innocent pooch as an anti-lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, and asexual+ zealot.
“This is an egregious act of hatred!” exclaimed a visibly shaken Senator Scott Weiner, while holding back tears. “Sparky’s actions were clearly motivated by a deep-seated animosity towards marginalized groups. This is not just a simple case of a dog needing to go potty – this is a deliberate and malicious act of defiance against inclusivity and we should throw the book at him!" He then excused himself as he adjusted the tassled leather vest and jock strap he wore for the hearing.
Sparky, who until now was known primarily for his adorable antics and unwavering loyalty, has found himself at the center of a media firestorm. Social media is abuzz with hashtags like #PeeWithPride and #JusticeForCrosswalk, as activist extremists vilify the dog. Meanwhile, supporters are rallying to his defense with #FreeSparky and a Give Send Go fundraising campaign up to 3,000 bags of kibble.
This absurd scenario comes hot on the heels of another over-the-top incident in Washington state, where three teenagers are facing up to 10 years in prison for leaving skid marks on a pride rainbow street mural with Lime electric scooters. The severity of these responses raises the question: have we as a society become too sensitive, to absurd degrees of outrage? And is all this pandering even doing any good?
One local resident, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being labeled a bigot, commented, “Look, dogs are gonna pee where they want to pee. If we’re going to paint our streets, we have to accept that they’re going to get dirty. And as for the kids, it’s just scooters, man. We have bigger fish to fry! This city is going to hell in a hand basket and this is their priority?"
Critics argue that if it’s permissible to burn the American flag or deface national monuments without consequence, perhaps a painted crosswalk should be held to the same standard. “Are we really saying that a dog peeing on a crosswalk is worse than vandalizing a famous historical monument with communist graffiti?” pondered a bewildered passerby. "Because they tend to get off Scott free!"
Adding to the cacophony of criticism is the debate over the sheer omnipresence of pride flags everywhere. While intended as a symbol of unity and acceptance, some argue that the flag has morphed into a symbol of a particular political ideology, failing to represent the wide range of opinions within the community itself. And perhaps the over abundance of flags and holidays, and a full month of celebration, combined with the targeting of children, might just have the opposite effect and start to annoy the general public a tiny bit.
As the city braces for the trial of the century, Sparky’s lawyer has stated that they plan to argue he was simply following his natural instincts and that it’s unfair to attribute complex social motives to a dog. Meanwhile, Sparky remains on house arrest, enjoying donated kibble, blissfully unaware of the societal turmoil he has unleashed.
In a final twist of irony, the crosswalk in question has become a popular spot for dogs across the city, leading some to wonder if perhaps it’s time to rethink our priorities. After all, if Sparky can face felony charges for a bathroom break, what hope do the rest of us have in navigating the ever-more sensitive streets of San Francisco? As one satirist put it, “Maybe it’s time we all take a cue from Sparky and just let it go.” What are your thoughts on these charges? Totally justified or batshit crazy? Let us know in the comments below.
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Context:
if I were on Sparky’s jury i would have reasonable doubt, how can 🐶 be held responsible when the streets of San Francisco are already a toilet for humans?
(very cute mugshots)
As usual I have a hard time discerning whether this is an actual news story or a pun- so clownish has the world become.
At any rate the neighbor down the street does have a Beagle named Sparky- imagine that. Our Sparky is the most vicious excuse for a dog I have ever seen. He barks and growls and goes into a frenzy every time I and my dog pass by. Every once in a while he gets loose and imagine having to catch a dog that wants to bite your hand off. Quite the challenge. (But what Sparky has yet failed to realize is that I do have two of those hands- one to use as a decoy.)
But Sparky can pee on every rainbow crosswalk he encounters. Fine by me.