Democrats Host Actual Oppression Olympics

Competitions include Mental Gymnastics and the Microaggression Marathon.

In a move that has highlighted the absurdity of modern day politics, Democrats have announced plans to host the first-ever "Oppression Olympics," a series of tournaments aimed at determining who holds the prestigious title of the most oppressed and marginalized person in the world.

The five-day sporting extravaganza, scheduled to take place in Portland, OR, is sponsored by The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) and the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), and promises to be a spectacle like no other. Below is a partial list of scheduled games.

"Mental Gymnastics": Contestants will dodge facts and reason for dear life using as many logical fallacies and false equivalents as they can muster up in a given time, with virtue signaling prowess taken into consideration.

"Microaggression Marathon": Participants must navigate a course filled with tiny, seemingly harmless comments and actions, earning points for the most exaggerated reactions.

"Privilege Pole Vault": Athletes compete to see who can vault over the highest bar of privilege, with extra points awarded for creative excuses, responsibility rejection and privilege-checking mid-air.

"Gender Pronoun Juggling": Contestants juggle multiple gender neo-pronouns while engaging in casual conversation, with penalties for any slip-ups or misgendering.

"Triggered Triathlon": A grueling test of mental fortitude, participants must navigate through a series of triggering scenarios, from controversial opinions to unexpected confrontations, all while maintaining their composure and resisting the urge to rant on TikTok.

"Safe Space Synchronized Swimming": Teams of synchronized swimmers perform routines while staying within the confines of their designated safe spaces, complete with emotional support dolphins.

"Woke Weightlifting": the point is to see the least amount of weight contestants can lift before breaking a sweat, while replenishing with soy protein shakes in between half-assed sets of bicep curls.

"Inclusive Interpretive Dance": Dancers express themes of diversity and inclusion through interpretive dance, incorporating elements of different cultures and identities while avoiding any hint of cultural appropriation.

"Snowflake Snowboarding": A group of extremely easily offended participants snowboard down a course made with artificial snow, and the winner gets to cut ties with other competitors over a minor difference of opinion.

"Critical Relay Race Theory": Teams of runners pass infinity stones of wokeness to one another while espousing divisive Marxist ideology.

"Defund the Polo" (AKA "Pro-Crime Cycling"): Contestants will attempt to one-up each other by stating the most egregious crime they're willing to excuse and decriminalize, including rape, murder and necrophilia.

The winners of each competition will face off in a final battle, the "Oppression Obstacle Course," where competitors navigate a course filled with obstacles representing various forms of oppression, from glass ceilings to institutionalized racism, with bonus points for dramatic reenactments of historical injustices. First place champion will win the coveted position of Harvard University president, complete with a $1.5 million salary, while second and third place will be awarded positions of their choosing in the Biden administration, in addition to sponsorships from feminine hygiene product companies, unless, of course, they are biologically female.

In response, Republicans have announced "Based ball," where chuds will compete in a game of moral convictions, righteous indignation and moral panic, with an emphasis on cult of personality, excusing obvious flaws and colluding with the opposing team among the higher ranks.

"We believe it's important to recognize and celebrate the struggles of the oppressed," said one Democratic organizer, struggling to keep a straight face. "And what better way to do that than by turning it into a competition?"

Critics have been quick to point out the absurdity of the event, accusing Democrats of trivializing genuine issues of oppression and marginalization in their quest for woke virtue signaling. "This is just another example of the left's obsession with identity politics," remarked one skeptical observer. "Instead of focusing on real solutions to real problems, they're busy staging a circus of victimhood."

But supporters of the Oppression Olympics argue that it's a necessary step towards anti-racism and decolonization, and anyone who disagrees is a homophobic, transphobic Nazi deserving of physical assault and cancellation.

As the world braces itself for the spectacle of the century, one thing is for certain: the Oppression Olympics are sure to be a gold medal-worthy display of absurdity, proving once and for all that when it comes to the delicate art of offense-taking, nobody does it better than far-left extremists. What are your thoughts on this newly announced series of competitions, and are there any games you'd like to see added to the list? Let us know in the comments below!

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