Childless Cat Lady Weds Haitian Migrant, Enjoys Exotic New Meals

Woman marries undocumented migrant as political statement, while lamenting the strange disappearance of several pet cats.

Sep 15, 2024

Springfield, OH - In what some are calling the ultimate act of resistance, Karren McCarren, a self-described "proud childless cat lady," has made headlines for marrying Philippe Dubois, a Haitian undocumented migrant, in what she insists is a bold stand against the patriarchy, xenophobia, and Trump-era immigration policies. The wedding, held in front of a Whole Foods and officiated by a crystal healer, marked a key moment in McCarren’s lifelong battle against the societal norms that once, according to her, oppressed both her and her extensive collection of cats.

“I was tired of hearing JD Vance mock my lifestyle,” McCarren said, referring to the Ohio senator’s comments about childless, career-focused women owning too many pets. “So I did what any progressive activist would do—I married a migrant to stick it to the man.” Her husband Philippe, having recently arrived, is equally enthusiastic about their union. However, their unconventional love story has been punctuated by an oddly high number of feline disappearances in recent weeks. The couple’s home, previously filled with the loving presence of 12 cats, now feels a bit… emptier.

“I’ve just been so swept up in all the cultural richness that Philippe brings,” Karren beamed during an interview from her soy candle-lit kitchen. “He makes the most incredible dishes! It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted. So tender, so flavorful… I never knew tofu could taste so meaty.”

Philippe, standing behind her at the stove, gave a cryptic smile while sautéing the unknown dish. When asked for the recipe of the latest dish he called “Bouillon Surprise,” he simply muttered something about “using local ingredients,” and “nothing going to waste.”

The incident comes amid controversy surrounding reports from Ohio residents who recently accused Haitian migrants of grilling pets at local parks. The claims, which began as hushed rumors among dog-walking communities, soon gained traction when former President Donald Trump—never one to let a controversy go to waste—brought it up during a televised debate.

"They're eating the dogs, the people that came in, they're eating the cats," Trump said during the debate. "They're eating the pets of the people that live there, and this is what's happening in our country, and it's a shame. We haven’t seen this many pets eaten since Rosie O’Donnell visited the North Shore Animal League sanctuary.”

Fact-checkers quickly ridiculed the claim, citing a lack of evidence and a subsequent spike in grilled food sales. But McCarren-Dubois, blissfully unaware of the national outrage and the eerie parallel to her own disappearing cats, insists that Philippe is a "savior."

“I’m so grateful to have him. He’s really opened my eyes to the beauty of Haitian culture—and its cuisine,” McCarren-Dubois continued, sprinkling sea salt onto the remains of what may have been her favorite pet. “The flavors are just so… robust! I’ve also noticed we don’t need to buy as much cat food anymore, which is great because, you know, inflation.”

Despite the growing suspicion of her friends—who politely avoid visiting her home for dinner—Karren remains an avid advocate of open borders and multicultural relationships. She often blogs about the joys of “giving back to the global south” and is currently writing a memoir titled “Love Without Borders: One Woman, One Migrant, and 101 Ways to Spice Up Your Dinner Plate.”

When asked directly about her dwindling cat population, McCarren-Dubois shrugged and smiled. “I guess they’re just off exploring new horizons. Or maybe Philippe is just a really good cook,” she laughed, oblivious to Philippe sharpening a kitchen knife in the background.

For now, Karren McCarren-Dubois continues to post Instagram stories of her husband’s "exotic" meals, hashtagging each one with #WokeAndWellFed. Meanwhile, concerned friends have begun circulating missing cat flyers around her neighborhood.

“Sure, the house feels a little quieter these days,” McCarren-Dubois mused. “But you know what they say—love makes you blind. And maybe a little hungry too.” What are your thoughts on the recent rumors of undocumented migrants eating pets? Pure fantasy or bon appétit? Let us know in the comments below!