Venezuelan Gang Opens Cozy Bed & Breakfast in Overtaken Apartment Complex
"Ju got us all wrong, meng, we just jave a passion for hospitality," said host Carlos "El Loco" Morales.
Aurora, CO—In a bold new entrepreneurial venture, the notorious Venezuelan gang "Tren de Aragua" has transformed an overtaken apartment complex in Aurora, Colorado, into a thriving Bed and Breakfast business called Casa de los Criminales. With bullet holes in the walls and complimentary earplugs to muffle the midnight “negotiations,” this is not your ordinary vacation spot. The gang's unusual business model has captured the attention of residents, local authorities, and travel enthusiasts who like to live on the edge.
The criminal-turned-hospitality crew stormed the once-peaceful complex, "convincing" tenants and landlords to vacate the premises by politely battering them with metal pipes and armed threats. One former resident, who now resides in a dumpster out back, said, "Sure, I lost everything, but hey, anything to help these fine young asylum seekers escape political persecution."
In a press conference, Aurora Mayor Mike Coffman downplayed the situation, praising the gang's “innovative” contribution to the local economy. “These Venezuelan migrants are showing true entrepreneurial spirit,” said Coffman while standing in front of the recently-installed neon sign reading "Casa de los Criminales: Where the Stay is Killer."
The Casa de los Criminales experience has been described as "memorable" by guests, many of whom recount shocking stories like having to sleep on blood-stained sheets that were, according to management, “just part of the ambiance.” One guest recalled checking in only to find a submachine gun tucked under the pillow. "At first, I thought it was complimentary," said Lisa from Boulder, "Until some dude wearing sunglasses and a bandana mask burst in and snatched it in a hurry. You just don't get that type of thrilling experience at the Holiday Inn!"
Local police have also chimed in, brushing off complaints from former tenants who allege they were chased out at machete-point. "It's really not as bad as people are making it out to be," said Police Chief Todd Chamberlain. These are new guests in our home, unaccustomed to our way of life, and it'll take them some time to acclimate. In the meantime, enjoy a nice stay. I hear they make a great breakfast burrito."
The police department has responded to ongoing complaints by stepping up their “community-building” initiatives, which include offering free B&B vouchers to angry residents. The Better Business Bureau gave Casa de los Criminales an A+ rating, citing the gang’s “quick conflict resolution skills” and "intimidatingly efficient customer service."
National media has also jumped on the story. In a recent segment on ABC News, anchor Martha Raddatz assured viewers, “Look, it’s just a handful of residents who were beaten to a pulp and displaced. Republicans need to stop sensationalizing this. Casa de los Criminales is creating jobs and helping the less fortunate, and that’s what matters here.”
In an extraordinary show of civic support, the Aurora Chamber of Commerce hosted a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the B&B, where Mayor Coffman proudly awarded Casa de los Criminales the “Coziest Stay” trophy. Guests of honor included the local police chief and representatives from the Better Business Bureau, all of whom praised the gang’s rapid adaptation to the competitive world of hospitality. “I’ve never seen such a motivated group of individuals,” said Coffman, while ducking to avoid the celebratory gunfire. “These guys are the definition of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Or… gun holster, hah!"
The Biden Administration, however, has faced mounting criticism as Casa de los Criminales has become the poster child for the unintended consequences of lax immigration policies. Critics point to Tren de Aragua's seamless takeover as evidence that the open borders approach, combined with a complete lack of background checks, has led to the influx of violent criminals. “We’re seeing gangs turn into hospitality moguls overnight,” said a local pundit. “While the B&B may be cozy, the reality is anything but.”
As Casa de los Criminales enjoys its newfound success, residents of Aurora—and Americans across the country—are left wondering: how many more charming criminal-run B&Bs will pop up before the country hits rock bottom? Let us know your predictions in the comments below!
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Do I get an AARP discount?
This isn't really happening, is it? The mayor, law enforcement, and local governments are being paid off. This is ludicrous. A past tenant is living in a dumpster!