Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Pregnant Man Emoji
"Never again shall this absurd abomination disgrace our text messages," said Trump in the Oval Office.
Washington, D.C. – In what may go down as the most dire moment in modern history—at least according to pink-haired activists on Bluesky with anime profile pictures—President Donald J. Trump has signed an executive order banning the “Pregnant Man” emoji from all communications, calling it “more disturbing than a porno flick starring Liz Cheney and Rachel Levine.”
Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump declared, “When I first saw this thing, I thought my iPhone had a virus. Maybe the woke mind virus. I asked Tim Cook, ‘What is this? Is this real?’ And he says, ‘Yes, sir, it’s an emoji.’ So I said, ‘Not anymore! This thing is cooked, Cook.'”
The decision to outlaw the emoji, introduced during the Biden administration’s golden age of gender confusion, has sent shockwaves through the woke left. MSNBC immediately cut to a live segment titled ‘America’s Descent into Fascism: The Emoji Purge,’ featuring a panel of blue-haired, nose-ringed gender studies professors visibly shaking.
Leftist groups wasted no time in condemning the move, likening it to "a new Pearl Harbor." The ACLU filed an emergency lawsuit, arguing that hideous graphics depicting pregnant men have constitutional rights just like the rest of us. A statement from the Human Rights Campaign read, “The Pregnant Man emoji represented progress, inclusion, and the undeniable biological truth that men can give birth if they simply try hard enough. This ban is nothing short of digital genocide.”
Meanwhile, a coalition of TikTok influencers released a video montage set to Billie Eilish music, sobbing into the camera as they warned their followers that “this is how it starts.” One particularly emotional activist claimed, “First, they ban the Pregnant Man emoji. Next, they end our right to dress as BDSM furries during macroeconomics class. I hope you enjoy your affordable groceries, bigots!”
Several progressive cities immediately declared a state of emergency, with Mayor London Breed declaring San Francisco "a sanctuary city for perverse digital illustrations," demanding federal protection for all images of men with baby bumps. California Governor Gavin Newsom even threatened to secede over the incident, and declared March "Pregnant Man Month."
According to rumors, Apple plans to defy Trump's executive order and continue including the emoji in iPhones—but with a disclaimer: “Use of the Pregnant Man emoji in states that recognize biological reality may result in immediate eye-rolling and social exile.”
Trump’s ban, widely supported by normal folks who just want to use their phones without indoctrination into gender ideology, has been praised as a long-overdue step toward restoring sanity. Traditional Americans rejoiced, celebrating a future where words mean things again, men are men, women are women, and emojis don’t require a PhD in Queer Theory to decipher.
In a post on Truth Social, Trump assured the public, "We’re bringing back normal emojis! Good, STRONG, respectable emojis. The crying-laughing face? TREMENDOUS. The thumbs-up? Maybe the best one ever made. The eggplant? Well folks, we’re still debating that one. But no more radical lunatic emojis. We’re Making text Messaging GREAT AGAIN!”
As the ink dried on the executive order, one White House staffer reported that CNN anchors could be heard wailing in the distance.
With order restored, Americans everywhere sighed in relief, knowing their text messages would never again be haunted by the ghostly specter of an unsightly, expectant father. And in the spirit of true equality, the White House announced plans to replace that emoji with a new one: A crying, jobless gender studies major wondering where it all went wrong. What are your thoughts on the pregnant man emoji, Biden-era gender ideology, and this satirical executive order? Let us know in the comments below!
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Maddow and Levine? Quick, get me the lobotomy emoji, I must immediately cleanse that ghastly grammatical perversion from my tiny grey cells! Thanks for the unwelcome carnal memories of carnival world and its clowns, Kyle. 😱🤡🤭
You gave birth to a good one here!