Trump Claims White House Dog Ate Epstein Files

"Beautiful dog. Powerful jaws. Tremendous appetite for classified documents."

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning turn of events that has left journalists, investigators, and conspiracy theorists face-palming in unison, President Donald Trump announced at a press conference today that the long-promised Jeffrey Epstein files — which he had vowed to release to the public “any day now” — were tragically eaten by the White House dog.

“I was just about to do it, folks,” Trump said, gesturing toward a suspiciously torn apart manila folder. “I had the files right here on the Resolute Desk — beautiful files, very detailed, names you wouldn’t believe. Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, maybe even Bill Burr! (What a left wing lunatic he became, huh?) All in there. Then boom! The dog ate it. Just chomped it up like Rosie O'Donnell at a buffet.”

When a reporter reminded Trump that he famously doesn’t have a dog, Trump scoffed. “It was a temporary dog. Just for the weekend. Secret Service brought him in — very smart, very strong. Beautiful teeth — the kind that can rip through sealed documents faster than Chris Christy with an egg roll. I called him ‘Justice.’ Very patriotic. Cares about National Security. Much better than Sleepy Joe’s dog, who bit everyone and pooped all over the Lincoln Bedroom. Total disaster!”

Standing beside Trump was Attorney General Pam Bondi, who nodded solemnly. “I personally witnessed the incident unfold. He locked eyes with me and I knew instantly: that dog had a divine mission. Unfortunately, it was eating the truth.”

FBI Director Kash Patel backed up the story, explaining, “Look, these were high-fiber documents. Very tasty. The kind that would tempt any canine with integrity and a decent palate. It’s not sabotage. It’s sustenance.”

Even Deputy FBI Director Dan Bongino, who once referred to Epstein as “Satan’s landlord,” weighed in. “Listen, folks. I’m former Secret Service. I’ve seen presidential dogs. I’ve seen bite patterns. The rip on that folder was definitely canine. Possibly K-9 Delta level. This was no accident. This was tactical digestion. I have it on very good authority from my Mossad handlers.”

While some questioned the timing — just days before the files were set to be published — Trump insisted he’s still committed to transparency. “We’re looking into printing out backup files, possibly laminated this time, maybe with a chew-proof coating. Not at all 'scrubbed.' It’s very important we get this out there,” he said with fingers noticeably crossed behind his back.

As the press conference concluded, Trump reassured supporters that “no one has done more to almost expose Epstein’s network than me,” and that “if elected a third term, I promise to retype the files from memory, with the help of an old friend named 'Q.' Trust the plan!”

In all seriousness, this incident serves as a reminder to remain skeptical of lofty campaign promises, especially those dangled conveniently before elections. Transparency is a bipartisan issue — and so is accountability. No matter who's in power, citizens deserve more than excuses involving imaginary canines with a taste for bombshell reports.

In a final note, after the story broke, Tom Hanks reportedly sent Justice, the White House dog, a 50 lb. bag of kibble. What are your thoughts on the Trump administration claiming there is no incriminating Epstein client list and he did in fact commit suicide? Is this a case of promising disclosure only to find a lack of evidence? Could the files have been altered by the previous administration or other forces? Or does Trump have something to hide, despite having promised disclosure all along? Let us know in the comments below!

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