Tesla Unveils New "Nut-Buster" Security System for Cybertrucks

"Ideal for autopilot AND automatic avengement," said the press release.

In a bold move to protect its vehicles, drivers, and parking lot charging stations from a growing wave of violence and vandalism, Tesla has officially rolled out its latest innovation: the “Nut-Buster” Anti-Vandalism Security Suite™ (a clever double-entendra). The proprietary defense system is designed to identify, deter, and, when necessary, publicly humiliate far-left nuts with ill intentions.

The announcement comes amid widespread reports of Tesla stores being graffitied, charging stations set ablaze, and electric vehicles keyed by deranged ideologues screaming “Eat the rich!” in between soy chai lattes. The violence arose following revelations that Elon Musk was using the newly created Department of Government Efficiency (D.O.G.E.) to audit and downsize the government.

The Nut-Buster Security Suite™, which comes standard on all 2025 Teslas, includes a host of totally normal and not at all dystopian features:

• Antifa Spray: Shoots biodegradable pepper foam infused with soap for cleanliness at would-be attackers. “Enjoy the bath, comrades,” chirps the car’s AI.

• Molotov Reflex Mode: Detects the arc of a thrown firebomb, auto-deploys a spring-loaded riot shield, then redirects the bottle with pinpoint accuracy into the nearest Whole Foods.

• Key-Bouncer 9000: A nanotech paint layer senses scratches and instantly rebounds the key with a cartoonish "BOING!" sound, flinging it back at the vandal’s forehead. Bonus: the car livestreams the fail to X with the caption, “Nice try, Picasso.”

• Virtue Signal Jammer: Temporarily blocks access to Reddit, TikTok, and Bluesky for anyone within 10 feet attempting to post a selfie captioned “Fighting fascism 💥🔥.”

• Swastika Scrubber: Spray paint a fascist symbol or “Musk = Hitler” on a Tesla? Sensors trigger a high-pressure jet of recycled Cybertruck coolant that erases the graffiti in seconds, then projects a hologram of Musk giving a controversial hand-gesture salute. Alternatively, drivers can set the AI to auto-replace swastikas with an American flag and a QR code linking to the D.O.G.E. website.

• Road Rage Reversal: If another driver flips off a Tesla owner in traffic, the vehicle responds by running a facial scan and full background check on the individual, broadcasting any sensitive information found online such as prior arrests or a piss-porn fetish. The presentation is narrated by the car's AI with an accompanying video on a retractable screen on the roof.

• Confrontation Confetti: If a road rager (or anyone with neon colored hair) approaches the Tesla, the car deploys a burst of biodegradable glitter that sticks to their clothes, while blasting "YMCA." Most retreat, sparkling and humiliated. Those who don't are treated to a steady stream of bear spray.

• The Woke Deterrent: At the first sign of anti-capitalist rhetoric, the car deploys a 12-ft-tall inflatable Donald Trump from the sunroof and blasts "Fortunate Son" until the assailants flee.

In one case already flagged by Nut-Buster’s AI, 22-year-old self-identified “anarcho-socialist performance artist” Zayden Skreep was arrested after spray-painting "F* Elon!" across a Cybertruck in soy-based ink—then signed it with his full name and home address. "Zayden Skreep, 84 Maple Street, Apt. B." Tesla’s "Vandal-Tron Sentry Mode" cameras caught it all, and police arrived at his doorstep within hours. “I thought it’d show my commitment,” Zayden mumbled as cops hauled him off, still clutching his marker. He reportedly called the arrest “an egregious human rights violation,” and is now facing charges of vandalism, property damage, and extreme stupidity.

Meanwhile, in an absurd twist, self-proclaimed neo-Nazi Karl Krieger bought a Tesla Model Y for a different reason. Karl painted a giant swastika on the hood, figuring the protesters would assume it’d already been vandalized and leave him alone. “It’s the perfect camouflage,” Karl boasted to his Telegram group, cruising through Portland unbothered. “They just glare, admiring the artistry!” Tesla’s PR team declined to comment, but Musk tweeted, “The irony is palpable.”

And then there's the story of Darren Plimpton, a self-described “reluctant Tesla owner” who bought a Cybertruck purely for its eco-friendly perks but feared it would make him a target for the local neighborhood anarchist co-op. To avoid becoming yet another casualty in the Great Tesla Vandalism Wave of 2025, Darren covered his Cybertruck with anti-Musk bumper stickers reading “Musk is a barrel-chested moron,” “This Vehicle Identifies as a Bike,” and “100% Ethical Lithium Harvested by Free-Range Yaks.” Confident his plan was foolproof, Darren parked it overnight at a Portland anarchist poetry slam… only to return to find it completely totaled. Turns out the vandals took one look at the fake-woke propaganda, assumed it was satire, and destroyed it on principle. Witnesses say one masked protester shouted, “Nice try, narc!” before launching a flaming compost bin through the windshield.

While these stories tickle the funny bone, the surge in political violence, vandalism, and domestic terrorism is no laughing matter. Destroying property doesn’t win arguments and doesn’t help the cause. Leftist attacks on Tesla have cost millions in damages, and the mainstream media has predictably down-played the issue, with statements like "fiery but mostly peaceful Tesla protest." Few, if any, Democrats have condemned the chaos, though several did release statements clarifying that “violence is wrong, unless it’s against landlords, cops, or the dreaded straight white male.”

In the end, Tesla says it remains committed to freedom of speech, technological innovation, and not letting their Cybertrucks get keyed by someone who spent $120k on a gender studies degree with a crowbar. And to that end, the “Nut-Buster” Anti-Vandalism Security Suite™ might just be the state-of-the-art vehicle security system, and a gender-confused punk’s worst nightmare. What are your thoughts on the recent violence against Tesla and this satirical response? Let us know in the comments below!

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