Scientists Find Alarming Link Between Climate Change & DEI Fire Chiefs

A new observation study shows a higher degree of climate change in cities with fire chiefs hired based on "diversity, equity and inclusion" policies.

Los Angeles, CA — In a groundbreaking study from the University of Satirical Science, researchers have discovered a shocking correlation between climate change-induced wildfires and fire chiefs hired based on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) policies. According to this highly credible observational study, areas with fire departments and fire chiefs hired based on DEI initiatives are experiencing a higher frequency of catastrophic wildfires and other natural disasters caused, of course, by climate change.

This study comes on the heels of what some experts are calling the "Blaze of the Century," with wildfires reducing vast swaths of Los Angeles to ash in a catastrophe of epic proportions.

Notably, the top three positions in the Los Angeles Fire Department (LAFD) are currently held by lesbian women (who happened to be named Kristina), in an astounding statistical anomaly. While the physical demands of firefighting have traditionally made it a male-dominated field, Los Angeles, always a city of "progress," has turned tradition on its head. In a recent press conference, Chief Kristina (the third one) assured the public that their qualifications were not only impeccable but also included "an unmatched passion for inclusivity and a deep love for WNBA star Caitlin Clark."

When asked about the criticism regarding their qualifications, Chief Kristina (the first one) retorted, "Fire doesn't discriminate, and neither do we. Who needs water when you have the flame of diversity? Our priority is ensuring that every fire feels the warmth of inclusivity as it burns through our communities." Critics of the department's performance were promptly dismissed as "pyrophobic bigots" who failed to appreciate the beauty of diversity-infused infernos.

Mayor Karen Bass and Governor Gavin Newsom, both renowned for their strategic acumen in avoiding accountability, have come under fire for their handling of the wildfires. Instead of addressing practical issues like underbrush clearance and water supply management, the dynamic duo swiftly blamed the disasters on everything and anything other than their own incompetence and mismanagement. Newsom even went as far as suggesting that Donald Trump was spotted in the Hollywood Hills, suspiciously carrying a can of gasoline and a book of matches.

Mayor Bass, in her infinite wisdom, has been quick to defend DEI hiring practices, suggesting that the real issue is not the lack of qualified firefighters but rather the lack of gender-neutral fire hydrants. "We've been too busy painting our firetrucks rainbow colors to notice the forest turning into a tinderbox," she explained.

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders, ever the alarmist, has taken this opportunity to ramp up his climate hysteria, tweeting, "These fires are a direct result of our capitalistic obsession with fossil fuels... and not at all due to gross mismanagement and homeless arsonists." His suggestion to combat the fires? "Tax the flames!" A proposal met with a resounding ratio of disapproving comments and mockery.

As Los Angeles burned, looters took full advantage of California's famously soft-on-crime policies, treating the wildfires as a shopping spree. Retailers across the city reported being "completely out of stock," thanks to enterprising individuals who saw an opportunity where others saw tragedy. "It's not looting; it's an equitable redistribution of property," said an unnamed city official, as if justifying the rampant theft was part of the disaster relief plan. The LAPD, seemingly more concerned with ensuring the proper use of gender pronouns than with stopping crime, issued a statement saying, "Looting is a form of protest, and we stand with the fine young scholars who plan on selling those new iPhones to feed their starving kids."

The Democratic establishment has unsurprisingly decried any criticism of their diversity hires and incompetence as "hate speech" and "inappropriate," a stance they've conveniently forgotten when exploiting past tragedies to score political points. "How dare you question our DEI policies when the planet is facing an existential threat?!" exclaimed local politician Vince Insere. "Sure, every catastrophic prediction by climate scientists turned out wrong so far, but do you really wanna be around when they get one right?"

In conclusion, while diversity in the workplace is laudable, it should never eclipse the fundamental responsibilities of governance - allocating budgets and resources, and prioritizing disaster preparedness. When flames are licking at your door, you want a fire department that's equipped and competent, not one that's merely checking boxes on a diversity form. Effective governance isn't about meeting racial and gender quotas; it's about ensuring your city doesn't incinerate because they were too preoccupied with superficial initiatives and virtue signaling. When you're trying to put out a wildfire, it's merit, experience, and qualifications that count, and could mean the difference between life and death. After all, it turns out that when it comes to wildfires, being "fired up" about diversity doesn’t necessarily put out the flames. And if this study on DEI fire chiefs teaches us anything, it's that sometimes, the best way to fight fire with fire might just mean hiring someone who can actually handle a hose, much less has a hose between his legs. What are your thoughts on the LA wildfires, possible causes and California's response? Let us know in the comments below!

Thanks for joining us! Please consider a $5 monthly/$45 yearly subscription for access to premium articles and our private chat featuring bonus content and previews, plus submit your ideas and input! You can earn credit on your membership by sharing The Farce Feed and referring new subscribers, and check your progress in the Leaderboard tab on our homepage.

---

Read Michael Shellenberger's take on the LA wildfires.

Check out this preview of our latest premium article.