RFK to Investigate Mental Health Effects of Purple Hair Dye
The HHS Secretary vowed to study the "obvious correlation" between neon hair dye use and psychosis.
Washington, D.C. — In a bold move that has baffled health experts and hairdressers alike, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that his department will conduct a full investigation into the alleged correlation between neon colored hair dye and mental instability.
“We have seen a disturbing trend,” Kennedy explained at a press conference outside a recently defaced Tesla dealership. "People with pink, purple, or turquoise hair are exponentially more likely to act out in ways that defy logic. We must explore whether certain artificial chemicals in these hair dyes are affecting the mental acumen of our citizens."
The HHS's new study will explore what Kennedy called "the obvious correlation" between hair dye use and increasingly erratic behavior, particularly among young women. Citing an uptick in acts of violence and vandalism against Tesla dealerships, Kennedy suggested that something "beyond politics" must be at play.
"Tesla vehicles are incredibly eco-friendly," Kennedy reminded reporters. "They're practically solar-powered unicorns on wheels. And yet, these vandals — almost exclusively sporting hot pink or purple locks — have been smashing windshields and spray-painting things like 'Musk Must Rot' on Model Ys. We need to resolve this onslaught of violence among freaks and weirdos."
Kennedy's critics argue that he's scapegoating vibrant-haired activists to avoid addressing broader social issues. But Kennedy fired back, holding up a series of photos and videos featuring alleged offenders.
"Look at this," he said, pointing to a TikTok of a delirious magenta-haired they/them attempting to dismantle a Tesla charging station with a reusable bamboo fork. "This is not rational behavior. This is neon psychosis."
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), recently created under President Trump's second term, has drawn the ire of progressive activists due to its rapid-fire audits of federal agencies. Elon Musk, appointed as its head, has overseen controversial cost-cutting measures while purportedly cutting billions of taxpayer dollars in waste, fraud and abuse.
"I just don't see why anyone who claims to love the planet would attack the one company that's basically saving it with green energy," Musk mused while sipping a kombucha/ketamine cocktail called "HyperZen."
Meanwhile, professional hair colorists have expressed concerns about the growing stigma around vibrant hair. "Not all purple-haired people are vandals," said one salon owner, snipping away at a customer requesting her best "Rosa DeLauro."
Kennedy vowed to have preliminary results on the purple hair-psychosis connection by the summer. Until then, he advised citizens to remain calm and avoid approaching anyone who looks like he or she might have survived a glitter factory explosion or a food fight.
"We're not saying they're dangerous," Kennedy clarified. "But if you see someone who might belong to the Coney Island Circus Sideshow, maybe just cross the street."
In a related story, Kennedy also announced plans to investigate whether septum rings are linked to schizophrenia. Details soon to follow. What are your thoughts about the possible link between neon hair dye and mental health issues, and the recent spate of violence against Tesla dealers and owners? Let us know in the comments below!
Thanks for joining us! Please consider a $5 monthly/$43 yearly subscription for access to our private chat featuring bonus content and previews, plus submit your ideas and input! Your generous support helps further our mission to roast the establishment, mainstream media and modern day absurdities.
Feed The Farce:
Venmo: @thefarcefeed
Cash App: $thefarcefeed
Tesla terrorism only reveals the Left’s impotence—New York Post
Funny as always. I didn't know about this issue until now. Of course we are being poisoned in many different ways, including makeup, although even that is a lot better than it used to be. I agree with Kathleen in the comments. Poison gets into our bodies in so many different ways. Of course hair coloring can be just as toxic as anything else. I wonder what the ingredients are and what kind of negative effects they have. Probably something that the Empire put in there on purpose to make people sick so more people will buy their pharmaceutical drugs, just like they do with our so-called food! They are screwing us over in so many ways, and the good little sheep goats lemmings robots and parrots just go on blindly believing them and blindly following them!
I wonder if this is a 'what comes first' - chicken or the egg - question. Still getting folks to think about the many ways we are poisoned is a good thing. Hopefully all of this is a tip-toeing towards the larger issue the poisoning that goes directly into our veins and can not be questioned. Time will tell.