RFK Jr. Tasked with Solving the Trump Derangement Syndrome Epidemic
The administration will spare no expense in addressing the chronic mental illness following Trump's landslide election win.
Washington, D.C. — After Donald Trump’s historic and indisputable landslide victory in the 2024 presidential election, the incoming administration has announced a sweeping new initiative to combat what officials are now calling a “national epidemic” of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Spearheading this unprecedented mission: none other than Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has been appointed as America’s first-ever “TDS Czar.”
“The crisis we’re facing is unprecedented,” Kennedy announced solemnly at a press conference, gesturing to an out-of-control TikTok feed featuring thousands of sobbing liberals in various stages of hysteria. “These are people who—just yesterday—thought ‘the walls were closing in.’ Now the walls have collapsed around them, and we’re left to pick up the pieces.”
Kennedy was initially called to action after a slew of disturbing TikTok videos hit like a tidal wave, showing young progressives shrieking, threatening violence, and pledging to “move to Canada this time, for real.” Many were seen ranting in tears about how they could “never trust a man again,” while some, reportedly in states of deep despair, went so far as to throw shade at Trump-voting Black and Latino Americans.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore!” screamed one prominent 24-year-old influencer, “CrustyCakes420,” while setting her passport on fire in a poorly-thought out protest.
In response, TDS Czar Kennedy is planning a multimillion-dollar rollout of “TDS Treatment Centers” in Democrat-heavy urban centers, starting with Los Angeles, New York City, San Francisco, and Portland, to help affected individuals cope with reality.
The treatment plan, code-named “Operation Get Over It,” will feature intensive group therapy and counseling sessions led by Kennedy himself, who has described the program as a “12-step mainstream media detox.” The sessions will include a media diet wherein participants gradually wean off CNN, MSNBC, and, in severe cases, The Rachel Maddow Show.
Celebrities are leading the charge, with Barbara Streisand, Jimmy Kimmel, and Howard Stern volunteering to finally face their own demons and partake in a groundbreaking study. “I’m not sure if it was the years of nonstop outrage or the countless ‘Hitler comparisons,’ but it’s time for me to get better,” Stern admitted to his ten remaining listeners.
One of Kennedy’s first actions as TDS Czar has been to investigate the true origins of this phenomenon. His findings? A cabal of mainstream media outlets have allegedly been grooming liberals to “prepare for total societal collapse,” he says, by bombarding them with endless negative coverage and “chillingly obsessive Hitler analogies.”
“Imagine being fed a steady diet of ‘the apocalypse is coming’ for eight years,” said Kennedy, flipping through a 600-page report on “Media-Induced Delusions.” “If you’re constantly told your world is coming to an end, don’t be surprised when people start wailing into the void.”
Kennedy now aims to spearhead efforts to hold the media accountable, suggesting a range of “TDS liability” cases for major news outlets. Legal analysts say MSNBC and The New York Times may soon face their first-ever “news malpractice” suits.
The proposed TDS Treatment Centers are set to be equipped with all the amenities needed to foster a calm, TikTok-free environment. Each center will feature soundproof rooms to safely scream into, “break rooms” for hurling copies of The New Yorker, and a quiet meditation area designed to help patients reconnect with their inner balance.
Patients will also undergo guided classes, like “How to Talk to a Trump Voter Without Exploding” and “Reclaiming Your Life Outside Reddit.” Plans are in the works to implement a companion 12-step program called “MAGA Mediation” that encourages patients to reach acceptance by gradually exposing them to alternative media in measured doses.
However, some of the program’s more extreme aspects, such as the “Dating Abstinence Support Group” led by women who’ve vowed to swear off men, have caused controversy. “It’s a sensitive subject,” Kennedy admitted. “These folks have been through a lot. They just need a little time before considering that their macho fireman neighbor might actually not be the enemy.”
While the initiative has been met with widespread praise, some liberals remain skeptical. Critics have taken to Twitter (ironically) to mock the treatment centers, dubbing them “Trump Re-Education Camps." Still, Kennedy remains hopeful. “This isn’t about politics. It’s about healing,” he concluded, pressing a tissue box on a sobbing blue-haired millenial. “If we can save just one TikTok content creator from spiraling into another epic meltdown, we’re doing our job.” What are your thoughts on this prevalent mental condition and RFK's plan to solve the epidemic? Let us know in the comments below!
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Election Meltdown Video Thread on X
Damn! You are cruel! Dying here!
On a serious note of empathy, all those meltdowns are picking up on the real horrors of the deepstate propaganda, messaging, and psyop. It is a massively invasive operation (Mockingbird under a new name?)! In a way their rage and tears are for all of us, but they are so brainwashed that they transferred the cause to the wrong person and group. Really sad in my view. But that didn't stop me from laughing until it hurt!
Epically funny tale almost too near the truth for comfort. Thank you.