REVEALED: Assassinated Health Insurance CEO Denied Hillary Clinton a Mammogram

Insiders reveal the procedure was denied by Clinton's insurance provider, UnitedHealth Group, shortly before the CEO met his untimely death.

Manhattan, NY – In a twist that reads like a script from a political thriller, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been implicated as the mastermind behind the assassination of Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealth Group. The motive? A rejected mammogram.

According to leaked insurance documents, Clinton’s primary care physician requested the routine procedure, citing "just making sure everything’s all good in there." UnitedHealth, however, labeled the test “unnecessary” under her plan. “We don’t cover peace of mind,” the company allegedly told her in a rejection letter signed by Thompson himself. Mere days after this fateful decision, Thompson was found with multiple bullet wounds courtesy of a silenced pistol wielded by a masked man in a hoodie, who vanished into the bustling crowd of midtown Manhattan.

This revelation has naturally reignited the internet’s favorite pastime: speculating about the so-called "Clinton Body Count." Astute amateur detectives immediately linked Thompson's demise to a pattern of suspicious deaths surrounding the Clintons, from Vince Foster to that guy who "accidentally tripped onto his own katana."

Clinton’s representatives were quick to denounce the rumors, calling them “ludicrous.” They noted that the former Secretary of State has “absolutely no time to orchestrate assassinations between her yoga classes and mock-human sacrifices in worship of Moloch, god of the underworld.”

But let's not let the drama overshadow the real issue here: the healthcare system in the United States continues its reign of terror on the wallets of the average middle-class American. Monthly premiums for health insurance have skyrocketed, turning what once was a benefit into a luxury akin to owning a yacht. Families across the nation now face the Herculean task of navigating through plans where even a simple doctor visit can break the bank, with deductibles so high they might as well be called "out-of-reach-ibles."

The irony is palpable: while CEOs might meet their end over a denied medical procedure, the average American might wish they could be so lucky to afford one. The system, critics argue, has become a labyrinth where the minotaur is a relentless billing department.

As the nation grapples with the brazen assassination of a high profile figure, the average American must contend with a broken system where staying alive feels less like a right and more like a luxury. Maybe, just maybe, instead of bullets, it's time to launch reforms. After all, if this satirical take on events teaches us anything, it’s that when the healthcare system lets you down, not even wealthy CEOs are safe. What are your thoughts on this assassination, the motives and the healthcare system? And should we finally ban face masks in public, as the assassin wore? Let us know in the comments below!

---

Thanks for joining us! We hope you had a good laugh. Please consider a $5 monthly/$45 yearly subscription or a donation to support our satire.

---

UnitedHealthcare CEO fatally shot outside NYC hotel in targeted attack: report -The Post Millennial

Flashback: