Rebellious Rock Band Eagerly Enforce Absurd Govt. Dictates
The decision to comply was made amongst a group of underage groupies while drunkenly throwing a TV out of a hotel window.
Legendary hard rock band The Fool Fighters, once known for their rebellious anthems and anti-establishment attitude, have taken a surprising leap into the world of public health by announcing their latest tour requirements. Frontman Crave Droll, infamous for his wild antics and backstage debauchery, is now demanding that concert attendees receive a vaccination for the two week-old Disease X, along with boosters for its variants, Y and Z. All on the same day. And you have to stay at the Walgreens while the pharmacist punches you in the injection site repeatedly.
In addition, the band will require fans purchase a special Disease X protective amulet—an ornate jewel-studded necklace said to ward off the dreaded new illness recently announced at the World Economic Forum. These charms are available for purchase for $322 from the WEF website but come with a disclaimer that they may actually be cursed and wind up killing you instead. There's also a strange ritual to "activate" the relic, involving candles, hand sanitizer and a photo of Dr. Fauci.
Gone are the days of leather jackets, torn jeans, and headbanging in defiance of societal norms. Now, fans are expected to bow down to the man, roll up their sleeves and submit to a medical experiment that not even Dr. Jekyll would endorse. The band's bold move has left fans scratching their heads, and upper arms, wondering if The Fool Fighters have bought into the nonsense or if they're "in the club."
Crave Droll, in a press statement, declared, "We've always been rebels, and what better way to rebel against the system than by making our fans guinea pigs for the latest and greatest Bilderberg hoax? It's the ultimate act of defiance against the man, man!"
However, critics argue that this new health-conscious stance contradicts the very essence of rock and roll, not to mention science and common sense. One die-hard fan, who goes by the nickname "Everdong," expressed his dismay, saying, "I thought The Fool Fighters were all about challenging authority and questioning the status quo. Now they're just another big pharma bitch!"
The new tour, aptly named "Vaxxed 2 Oblivion," has sparked a heated debate within the fanbase, with some questioning the safety and ethics of such measures. After all, these are the same fans who used to mosh themselves into a bloody pulp in the name of punk rock and defiance, and shit and piss themselves rather than miss their favorite protest anthem performed live.
The irony is not lost on observers, as the band that once urged fans to "Learn to Fly" is now asking them to jump and take a blind leap of faith. Other poser rock bands followed in their footsteps, including the now laughable Rage in Favor of the Machine, and hardcore-industrial metal band FOOL, whose psychedelic/spiritual awakening of the last few years seems entirely failed and artificial. And last but not least, The Awfulspring, who unceremoniously fired their drummer for refusing the WEF magic talisman, despite him having immunity to not only Diseases X, Y and Z, but also the upcoming WHO-concocted, er, predicted variants, W, H and O. Meanwhile, mosh pits have been replaced by socially distanced dance circles divided into 6-foot rings, and the spirit of rock and roll has been jabbed out of existence.
As the world waits to see how The Fool Fighters' tour unfolds, one thing is certain: the only fools they are fighting are themselves, and the landscape of rock has never looked so lame. Furthermore, the once defiant cry of "Rock and Roll Will Never Die" has been replaced with a more cautious "Crave Droll Don't Wanna Die, so get your shots and don't you lie!"
The first show of the tour was rather lackluster according to one concert goer, as the crowd seemed suspiciously lethargic, spaced out and even in pain. Nevertheless the band trudged on, closing with a new number called Conformity, urging fans to follow the rules and keep everyone safe. Below are the lyrics, for your amusement.
In a world of germs and bugs so sly, Disease X came by, and it made me cry. But fear not, folks, don't run and hide, Follow the health agency guidelines.
The CDC said, "Wash your hands with glee, Before your next meal and after you pee." They danced a little jig, wearing masks so neat, Said, "Cover your face, even in scorching heat."
W.H.O. chimed in with a laugh, "Keep your distance, follow the path." Arrows on the floor at the grocery store, Submit and obey forever more.
Now the vaccine heroes took to the stage, With a needle in hand, earning quite a large wage. "Get your jab," they exclaimed with cheer, "Don't read, don't think, give in to the fear."
Screw your freedom, like Arnold said, Don't bring us your germs, don't wanna be dead. Don't care about your conspiracy theory, Don't even raise a logical query.
And so we conclude this musical plea, Follow their words and rules exactly. But the most important part of the plan- Get your new Disease X protective talisman.
What are your thoughts on bands and artists requiring special medical interventions to attend their shows, and who were your biggest surprises and disappointments during Covid? Let us know in the comments below!
I’m moved to mention the untimely death of Tyler Hawkins, Drummer of the Fool Fighters! Tyler apparently “DIED SUDDENLY”
So sad our rock rebels of yore have caved. I feel so alone with my solitary Bic waving. 🥲