Putin to Give Biden Elocution Lessons
"Despite our differences I could not stand to witness such incoherence," said a Russian translator on behalf of Putin.
Moscow - In an unexpected turn of events, Russian President Vladimir Putin has extended an unusual offer of assistance to his American counterpart, President Joe Biden. Observing Biden's recent press conference, where the president stuttered and stammered worse than a Miss Universe contestant with a third grade-level question, Putin couldn't resist extending an olive branch – or perhaps a helping hand – to the rambling, elderly US leader.
Putin, known for his own command over the Russian language and his knack for eloquent speeches, fresh off the heels of a controversial Tucker Carlson interview, reportedly saw Biden's performance and immediately dispatched a message. "Dear Joe, it seems you could use some pointers in the art of articulation. Let's have tea and practice our pronunciation."
Despite murmurs among his advisors that Biden might be beyond redemption, fraught with dementia, and despite the language barrier, Putin insisted on making the journey to Washington DC. He'd enlist the support of trusted translator and linguistic expert Ivan "Vodka" Volkov. "I am not one to shy away from a challenge," Putin remarked, "and if I can tame bears, surely I can tame this old goat."
The proposed syllabus for the elocution lessons includes "Putin's Five P's of Poise and Pithiness," which reportedly focuses on posture, projection, pronunciation, pace, and – Putin's personal favorite – the occasional pause for dramatic effect.
However, critics are skeptical about the efficacy of Putin's tutorial sessions. "It's like trying to teach a fish to climb a tree," remarked one political commentator. "Biden's oratory skills are the stuff of legend – though not necessarily in a good way."
Undeterred by skepticism, Putin arrived in Washington DC with an imposing convoy, armed with a briefcase full of elocution and linguistic lessons and a steely determination to improve US-Russia relations, one syllable at a time. Besides Biden, Putin also offered to help Vice President Kamala Harris with her frequent word salads, while Chinese leader Xi Jinping offered math lessons to California Governor Gavin Newsom.
The first lesson reportedly got off to a rocky start, with Biden mistaking Putin's advice for a recitation of Tolstoy's "War and Peace." Nevertheless, Putin persisted, gently guiding Biden through tongue twisters and vowel exercises, while Biden insisted on reciting his favorite childhood nursery rhymes, in between ice cream breaks and diaper changes.
Despite the initial setbacks, Putin remains optimistic. "I think with enough time and practice, President Biden will speak with elegance and confidence," he said, before going into a boring 30 minute lecture on the long storied history of Russia and its many factions and tsars.
As the world watches with bated breath, the success of Putin's elocution lessons remains to be seen. Will Biden emerge a brilliant orator or further descend into confusion and senility? Is there any hope or has he lost his last marble? Only time – and perhaps a few more tutorials with this former adversary – will tell. Let us know your predictions in the comments below!
How many shot Biden got ? . . . i mean blood brain barrier . . . he brag about brain surgery . . . i mean . . . WTF ? That fucking woke enabling the cripple is counter productive.
Putin should first give Biden some walking lessons. Start with the basics.