Olympic Committee Unveil New "Pink/Blue Preference" Gender Test for Athletes

"After hours of deliberation we developed this fair, fail-proof test to tell male from female," said spokesperson Dame Hader.

Aug 07, 2024

Paris, France - In a move that has left the sports world in disbelief, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced their newest, most scientifically sound innovation to date: the "Pink/Blue Preference" Gender Test. This revolutionary test will determine an athlete’s gender category based solely on their color preference. Never mind all that jargon about DNA and chromosomes. Pink for female, blue for male. What could possibly go wrong?

The announcement comes hot on the heels of a recent controversy where Olympic boxer Imane Khelif, allegedly a biological male, competed in the women's division, with the other boxer quitting in just 46 seconds after one punch. Amidst the ensuing uproar, the IOC has decided to pivot towards a simpler, less invasive, and infinitely more absurd method of gender determination.

The IOC, tired of the complex, controversial gender verification processes, has embraced what they call a more inclusive approach and a no-brainer. According to the new guidelines, athletes will be shown a piece of paper with a swatch of pink and a swatch of blue, and will be asked to pick their favorite. The color they choose will permanently determine their gender category for competition, be it combat sport or otherwise. If the answer is somehow ambiguous, like "neither" or "both," the test then moves on to the next question: "Barbie or G.I. Joe?"

"This is a giant leap forward for gender equality," said IOC member Chris P. Bacon. "No more invasive tests, no more complex debates about hormone levels and biology. Just back to basics with good old-fashioned color and toy preferences."

The response from the athletic community has been a mix of confusion, amusement, and outrage. Athletes and coaches are scrambling to understand how this new rule will affect them.

"I’ve always loved pink," said Olympic weightlifter Bob "The Bulldozer" Johnson, flexing in his neon pink singlet. "Does this mean I’ll be competing with the women now? I mean, I’m all for gender equality, but I just bought a pink Cadillac. What does that mean for my career?"

Similarly, sprinter Diana Dash expressed her bewilderment. "I’ve been promoting a blue sneaker line for months! And I've just always loved blue. To determine such a critical thing as biological sex with mere superficial preferences seems insane. What metric will they use next? Our taste in music? Television shows? The Bachelor vs baseball?"

Public reaction has been equally colorful. Social media is ablaze with memes and jokes skewering the IOC. #PinkOrBlue has been trending non-stop, with everyone from celebrities to politicians weighing in. Organizations such as GLAAD and the ACLU praised the new test, calling it "the definitive end-all-be-all bigot shutter-upper.”

Comedian Sarah Bellum tweeted, "Finally, a test as scientifically sound as Scientology! #OlympicNonsense." Meanwhile, political commentator Anna Jones wrote, "Just wait until someone prefers green. Then what? New division for aliens? #ColorMeCritical."

The IOC has promised to not monitor the situation closely nor consider any feedback. In the meantime, they’re urging athletes to "embrace their gender stereotypes."

"We’re confident this new test will bring a fresh, fun perspective to the Olympics," Bacon concluded. "After all, the games are about more than just competition. They’re about placing inclusivity above fairness and safety. And if some young broad gets crushed to smithereens by a pink-loving dude, screw 'em."

As the Olympic flame burns bright, one thing is clear: the 2024 games are shaping up to be the most controversial and unpredictable yet. So grab your favorite colored snack, sit back, and enjoy the sh*t-show. What are your thoughts on this new gender identification test? Pure genius or utter nonsense? And what other metrics might they have used? Let us know in the comments below!