NYC Mayoral Candidate Pledges Free Housing, Healthcare, & Genie Lamp with 3 Wishes
Socialist Mohran Fulcommy Rides Magic Carpet of Promises Straight Into Polling Lead
NEW YORK, NY — The political scene in the Big Apple was turned on its head this week as Mohran Fulcommy, a self-proclaimed Democratic Socialist and “Pied Piper of Pinheads,” launched a stunning mayoral campaign with the most ambitious platform since Santa Claus ran for city comptroller in 1987.
Standing atop a podium made of hemp and recycled iPhones in Union Square, Fulcommy declared, “No New Yorker should ever have to work, worry, or wonder. That’s why I’m promising free housing, universal healthcare, unlimited falafel, and yes — a personal genie in a lamp for every man, woman, and gender-fluid resident of this great city!”
The 34-year-old Bronx native, whose campaign slogan is “Your Wish is My Command,” unveiled his visionary initiative: Universal Basic Everything™. The plan includes free housing, transportation, food, healthcare, childcare, haircare, skincare, dental veneers, therapy goats, emotional support sorbet, and fully-funded nipple piercings — “come Hell or high water, even if we have to enslave the barbers!” he declared emphatically.
When asked how the city would pay for such a program, Fulcommy explained confidently, “Through a combination of rainwater collection, redistributing Jeff Bezos’ underwear, a new 'straight, white male' tax, and a complicated Marxist cryptocurrency called KarlKoin.” He also suggested replacing the NYPD’s budget with “a hug-based conflict resolution task force trained by Burning Man volunteers.”
But Fulcommy’s most sensational pledge is gifting every resident a personal genie in a bottle that grants three unlimited wishes, with “no moral strings attached, no matter how grandiose or dire the outcomes— this is progressive magic, baby!” he assured.
He attributed the feasibility of this plan to his “proud Islamic Arabian heritage,” claiming to be “a direct descendant of the historical Aladdin, King Solomon, and Hermes the Hustler.”
Public reaction has been electric. Young, college-educated voters swooned. Brooklyn transgender leftists formed a flash mob in his honor. TikTok influencers began a #WishDaddy trend. And his polling numbers among parolees, squatters, and failed OnlyFans creators reached a record high.
Progressive elites showered Fulcommy with praise and endorsements:
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called him “the Mahatma Gandhi of our time — if Gandhi had better eyebrows.”
NPR ran a glowing segment titled, “Why Wishing for Everything is the Most Responsible Fiscal Policy.”
The New York Times editorial board wrote, “Fulcommy’s plan is bold, equitable, and exactly the kind of sans-reality governance this city needs.”
CNN’s Take Crapper wept on-air, saying, “I’ve haven't felt this safe and seen since Oprah gave out free cars.”
Vogue named him “NYC’s Sexiest Socialist.”
MSNBC anchor Raquel Madcow whispered, “He’s like if Bernie Sanders and AOC had a baby and raised it on a commune.”
Republican candidate and twelve-time election loser Ernest Sleazewah, who wears a red beret and does an AM radio show, condemned Fulcommy’s proposals, warning, “These kinds of magical promises are how the Roman Empire fell — that and gluten!” His criticisms were met with polite chuckles and a flying tomato. When asked to respond, Fulcommy said, “Sleazewah is just mad because he's lost more times than the NY Mets.”
As Mohran Fulcommy’s enchanted popularity soars, many longtime New Yorkers, including your intrepid author, wonder if the city has finally lost its grip on reality for good. “Last year we had a mayor who banned coal-fired pizza ovens, this year we’ve got a guy promising us magic lamps and state-funded gender transition surgeries for cats,” said one bewildered bodega owner.
Still, with promises like eternal rent relief, a billion-dollar unicorn stable in Central Park, and mandatory yoga for Wall Street traders, Fulcommy may very well ride his flying carpet straight to City Hall. Whether or not these policies are sustainable, realistic, or vaguely tethered to the known laws of economics, one thing is certain: In 2025, NYC might just get its three wishes… and live to regret every single one. What are your thoughts on radical socialist extremists gaining popularity in NYC? Cause for concern or celebration? Let us know in the comments below!
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Zohran Mamdani’s radical socialist vision would bankrupt NYC--New York Post
Maybe a lot of that is not so far fetched. I don't really know what he says because I haven't been paying attention to that, I live in a different state than New York. But if it was done right, the way that Buckminster Fuller explains and Jacques Fresco explains, at least most of that could be done. Without of course all the satirical exaggerations! Lol. So many people are afraid of change and Afraid of the unknown but it is so cowardly. I would like to see more Americans being courageous and adventurous and open minded in their thinking and stop just keep going along with the status quo! Of course people will still have to work, but not nearly as much and definitely not too much. The Workaholics can do what they want but don't drag the rest of us into your insanity! Study the teachings of Buckminster Fuller and Jacques Fresco to learn all about it.
like politicians of all stripes, genies are evil tricksters