NYC Mayor Charged with "Not Playing Ball on Immigration"

"We were going to charge him with one of his many other crimes but decided to send a clear message," said a DOJ spokesperson.

Sep 29, 2024

Manhattan, NY - In a groundbreaking development that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, NYC Mayor Eric Adams has been formally charged by the Department of Justice with the egregious crime of “Not Playing Ball on Immigration.” It literally says it on the indictment. The DOJ, in a rare moment of candor, explained that the move was purely political and not based on any violation of actual laws.

Mayor Adams, the first NYC mayor to be charged while in office, has gained notoriety in recent months for his vocal criticism of the federal government’s immigration policies. But he seems to have crossed an invisible line drawn in the sand by his own party. Adams has repeatedly lambasted the federal government's "free for all" approach, warning that the influx of illegal immigrants would “destroy New York City.” This, of course, led to a charming new addition to New York’s cultural tapestry: homeless tent encampments on the streets, rising crime rates, and a surprising decrease in the number of stray cats.

Undocumented migrants, who Adams has generously hosted in city streets and parks, have been seen rolling in taxpayer dough while the average New Yorker struggles to afford a cup of coffee. Critics have raised eyebrows at the sight of migrants cashing in on NYC’s finest social services, sometimes staying in three and four-star hotels. Not to mention the complimentary “Welcome to NYC” gift baskets—complete with a MetroCard, smart phones, condoms, lubricants, fentanyl, a voucher for a discounted moped, and an actual Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card.

In his latest tirade, Adams declared that the federal government hasn't done enough to help, a sentiment that has resonated with the city's increasingly exhausted residents who long for the days when their biggest problem was finding an affordable apartment larger than a broom closet.

However, Adams’ public dissatisfaction has drawn the ire of his fellow Democrats. Sources close to the situation say the DOJ's decision to charge Adams wasn’t so much about upholding the law as it was about upholding party unity. “You don’t just go against the official narrative and expect to walk away,” whispered one anonymous insider. “If you step out of line, we’ll make sure you’re stepping out of City Hall too—preferably in cuffs.”

Rumor has it that the DOJ had a myriad of charges to choose from but ultimately settled on sending a clear message and showing everyone who's in charge. “We could’ve hit him with corruption, misuse of funds, or even soliciting a prostitute,” the statement read. “But we wanted to make an example out of him. Let this be a lesson: dissent will not be tolerated.”

Critics have pointed out that Adams’ newfound outspokenness may have less to do with moral conviction and more to do with his desire for more federal funding. Despite his impassioned speeches and midnight tweets, some argue that Adams has done little to address the root causes of the crisis, instead opting for a strategy that involves a lot of finger-pointing and not much else.

Democrats, who have mastered the art of eating their own, seem to have found in Adams the perfect sacrificial lamb. As one party strategist put it, “We have to keep our ranks in line. And if that means throwing a few of our own under the bus, so be it. The bus, by the way, is also full of migrants.”

As Eric Adams prepares for what is sure to be a media circus of a trial, one thing is clear: in the world of politics, loyalty is as fleeting as a New York minute. And if you’re not careful, that minute could cost you everything—especially if you decide to step out of line and not play ball. What are your thoughts on these charges against Eric Adams? Totally legitimate or a complete farce? Let us know in the comments below!