Leftists Form Human Chain Around Pentagon Ahead of DOGE Audit

"You'll never find the missing trillions, Elon! Over our dead bodies," said hippie Nate Johnson.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning reversal of decades-long anti-war activism, leftist protesters have encircled the Pentagon in an unbroken human chain, chanting "Save the Military-Industrial Complex!" and "Raytheon Deserves Respect!" This bizarre spectacle comes amid rumors that Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) will launch its next waste-cutting audit at the Department of Defense.

The move follows DOGE’s highly scrutinized but successful audits of both USAID and the IRS, where Musk’s team uncovered and eliminated billions in fraudulent and wasteful spending—mostly consisting of grants to shell corporations registered to offshore accounts, IRS team-building retreats at luxury golf resorts, and a $12 billion study determining if fish experience loneliness. President Donald Trump, who authorized DOGE’s creation, has hailed the audits as “the greatest, most luxurious, most efficient cuts in government history. Reagan couldn't cut his own fingernails or a slice of cake. And Clinton used a child's safety scissors in comparison."

However, when murmurs began that DOGE would be targeting the Pentagon’s notoriously murky accounting practices—including its infamous September 10, 2001 announcement that it could not account for $2.3 trillion—progressives, once vehemently opposed to military spending, suddenly became the Pentagon's most ardent advocates.

“The Pentagon has always been a beacon of transparency,” said General "Lyin'" Ryan McGee, spokesman for the Department of Defense, while standing in front of a PowerPoint slide that simply read: ‘Just Trust Us.’ “Sure, we occasionally misplace a trillion here or there, but that’s just part of keeping America safe. And anyone suggesting otherwise is clearly a Russian asset or a domestic terrorist.”

When asked about the Pentagon’s black budget—rumored to be in the billions and used to fund projects ranging from false flags to keeping Dick Cheney alive—McGee dismissed the concerns. “Listen, if the American people knew what was going on in these programs, it could jeopardize national security. Because overthrowing democratically elected leaders and funding terrorist organizations is paramount in keeping us safe."

The left wing protesters, who once gleefully called for slashing the Pentagon’s budget in favor of social programs, have now become its most fervent champions. “We’re not saying we love war; we’re just saying that if Trump and Elon Musk are against a bloated military budget, it can't be that bad,” explained activist and organic kombucha brewer Sage Moonjuice. “Besides, a little drone strike here and there never hurt anyone.”

Activists surrounded the Pentagon holding up signs reading, “Pentagon: Too Honest To Audit” and “Hugs For Halliburton.” One particularly bold protester, wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt, could be seen tearfully hugging a Lockheed Martin executive. “I used to think you were the problem,” he sobbed, “but now I see you’re just a victim of Elon Musk’s oppressive efficiency. Please God, see us through this constitutional crisis!”

This latest leftist flip-flop is just one of many in the new Trump administration, where progressives have adopted a strict policy of reflexively opposing any policy he supports, even if it aligns with their own supposed values. Whether it’s opposing peace deals, fighting against free speech in universities, or suddenly becoming staunch supporters of Big Pharma and mandatory corporate loyalty oaths, the left has truly committed to a life of ideological whiplash. This once anti-military faction now finds itself the last, desperate defenders of an unaccountable war machine.

As for the Pentagon, it seems to have found a new lease on life thanks to its unlikely left-wing guardians. For now, the DOGE audit remains on hold—but if Musk so much as tweets about reducing waste at the Department of Homeland Security, expect activists to demand full funding for a $50 million study on why turtles walk so slow.

In the meantime, the protesters remain at the Pentagon’s gates, vowing to keep Elon Musk’s efficiency crusade at bay. “We will stand here as long as it takes,” declared Sage Moonjuice. “At least until brunch. Or yoga. Or our Amazon union meeting.”

What are your thoughts on the DOGE audits and the left's opposition? Founded concerns or hypocrisy at its worst? Let us know in the comments below!

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