Leftist Chugs Gallon of High Fructose Corn Syrup in Protest of RFK

"That guy's a total crackpot!" he declared before guzzling the thick yellow artificial sweetener.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In a political stunt blending rebellion, absurdity, and gastrointestinal distress, local Democrat activist Chad Winthrope went viral on TikTok after chugging a gallon of high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), a kilogram of the preservative butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT), and squeezing down three tubes of fluoridated Colgate toothpaste, mildew flavored. The move, which he described as “a stand against food fascism,” was Chad’s response to President-elect Donald Trump nominating Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the head of the Department of Health and Human Services.

“RFK is a total crackpot,” Winthrope said in his video, his mouth coated in toothpaste foam. “He thinks removing toxic chemicals from food is somehow good for us? No way, buddy. America was built on preservatives, pesticides, and artificial sweeteners. If you think I’m giving up my aspartame-laden diet cola for your ‘natural food agenda,’ think again, fascist!”

Chad punctuated his rant by guzzling the HFCS straight from the jug, declaring, “This is what freedom tastes like!” before crunching the BHT like it was trail mix. While initially reporting he felt “amazing” post-stunt, later TikToks showed him complaining about permanent hiccups, “invisible bugs crawling under my skin,” and a condition he referred to as “kaleidoscope eyes.” To his followers' confusion, he also claimed the experience somehow made him bisexual, though he declined to elaborate. 

Doubling down on his campaign against RFK, Chad upped the ante in a follow-up video by injecting all 72 doses of the CDC’s recommended childhood vaccine schedule in a single sitting. “Take that, RFK!” Chad exclaimed as he winced through jab after jab. “These are perfectly safe, and anyone who says otherwise is a quack spreading anti-science conspiracy theories." He was then immediately overcome with severe autism, which experts assured was a total coincidence.

Although Chad’s body survived the toxic onslaught, his reputation took a hit after viewers noticed a pattern. Critics called out the left-wing for flip-flopping on issues they historically championed, such as food safety, public health, and corporate corruption and accountability. “It’s wild,” commented one follower. “Years ago, liberals wanted to ban toxic chemicals, limit GMOs, and label everything. Now they’re on Bluesky praising the FDA for greenlighting ingredients banned in most of Europe because they don’t want to agree with Trump or RFK Jr. on anything.” 

RFK Jr., long a critic of the food and pharmaceutical industries, has called for reforms that include safety testing for vaccines equivalent to other drugs and the removal of liability exemptions for the manufacturers. While these positions have garnered bipartisan interest in the past, many left-leaning commentators now smear him as an “anti-vaxxer” without acknowledging his nuanced positions.

Chad Winthrope’s bizarre protest, while entertaining in a Schadenfreude-kinda way, underscores the deeper divide in how public health issues are now politicized. Chronic disease in America—largely driven by diet and environmental pollutants—cannot be addressed without confronting the additives, preservatives, and chemicals lurking in everyday food. The debate over food purity and safety shouldn’t be a partisan battleground but rather a unifying cause for the wellness of future generations. Whether it’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump, or anyone else raising the alarm, America must prioritize its health over its politics—before the next viral stunt leads to a pesticide-induced coma. What are your thoughts on folks who previously championed food safety and public health now abandoning those values due to politics? Let us know in the comments below!

---

Thanks for joining us! We hope you had a good laugh. Please consider a $5 monthly subscription or a donation to support our satire.