FEMA Claims Hurricane Relief Fund Limited Due to New Camps & "Plandemic 2 Expenses"
"Our new FEMA camps are state of the art and provide the ultimate getaway for dissidents, but cost a fortune to build!" said a FEMA spokesperson.
Washington, D.C. — In a surprisingly candid press conference that sent conspiracy realists into a frenzy of vindicated fist bumps, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas revealed on Thursday that FEMA’s resources have been stretched thin—very thin—due to its "critical preparations for the next Plandemic," the highly anticipated sequel to the totally real, completely not fake, government-staged global health crisis.
“We regret to inform the public that the devastation caused by Hurricane Helene, which affected much of the southeastern United States, has forced us to allocate only minimal resources toward relief efforts,” Mayorkas said with a straight face. “The majority of FEMA's funding is currently tied up in more urgent black-operations, like constructing state-of-the-art FEMA camps, perfecting the art of mass detainment, and drafting the next set of draconian mandates to protect you from a virus that doesn’t exist... yet.”
Mayorkas added that the new facilities, equipped with luxury-grade solitary confinement cells and premiere forced quarantine zones, will be able to handle thousands of new cases of an illness in development. This virus will reportedly cause symptoms ranging from mild skepticism of authority to severe questioning of forced medical treatments. “We believe these measures are in the best interest of public health,” he said. “After all, nothing says safety like barbed wire and 24-hour surveillance.”
When asked if FEMA’s decision to prioritize "enslavement camps" over hurricane relief might seem, oh, just a little bit misguided to the millions currently standing knee-deep in floodwaters in North Carolina, Mayorkas shrugged. “Look, it’s not easy balancing population control with natural disasters. But we’ve got to think big picture here—why rebuild houses when we can build luxurious detainment centers for all those rebellious types who keep posting about ‘freedom’ on the internet? Not to mention all the illegal migrants in need.”
The hurricane, which has devastated parts of North Carolina and effected areas in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, and Virginia, left thousands without power, homes, or access to basic necessities. When asked why FEMA didn’t divert even a small percentage of its budget to, say, rescue boats or emergency supplies, Mayorkas chuckled as though the reporter had just asked him to help move a couch.
“Let’s be real—rescue boats? In this economy? Those things are expensive. We need to save that cash for the next round of fear-based lockdowns,” he said, casually flipping through what appeared to be blueprints for a “compulsory vaccination stadium.”
Critics, who describe the first Plandemic as a dry run, have voiced concerns over FEMA's shifting priorities, with some even suggesting that the agency's plans for mass population control and enslavement may not align with its stated mission of disaster relief. These critics were swiftly labeled as "dangerous misinformation spreaders" and reminded that it's simply un-American to question the good folks at FEMA.
As the press conference came to an end, a visibly relaxed Mayorkas left the stage, reminding citizens to stay safe, comply with all current and future mandates, and most importantly, not to worry too much about the increasing number of barbed-wire facilities popping up in their neighborhoods.
"It’s for the greater good,” Mayorkas said as he exited the room, pausing briefly to confirm that FEMA will indeed be streaming the documentary "Plandemic 2" on all major platforms next summer. In the meantime, residents of the hurricane-ravaged southeast were encouraged to stay hopeful, stay dry, and stay indoors—preferably within the confines of one of FEMA’s newly constructed, high-tech camps. What are your thoughts on FEMA claiming it doesn't have enough funding to respond adequately to Hurricane Helene, despite having spent $1.4 billion on migrants? Believable? Acceptable? Or a total crock of shit? Let us know in the comments below!
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FEMA could economize, stretch their budget with ankle bracelets and collars for home confinement.
This whole thing is such a farce of inhumane behavior. The same week 8 billion was sent to ukraine and Israel if i recall. Now with a hurricane that has caused destruction to the American citizen and taxpayer there is no money? What about the 750 figure. Again I will state if the people do not snap out of there haze then they never will. This is insane to me. paying taxes and when you in need in a natural catastrophe and there is no money. AMERICANS WAKE UP!!!! All of this money for wars outside of american soil.