District Court Judge Rules Trump Not Actually President

The ruling is the most extreme in a series of federal judge rulings aimed at stifling the administration.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and entirely unprecedented ruling, the honorable Judge Skip Justice declared today that Donald Trump is not actually the President of the United States, citing a little-known clause in the Federal Election Formatting Guidelines Manual (1987 Edition, Appendix F) that requires “all state ballot headers to include a semicolon between the words ‘President’ and ‘of the United States.’”

According to the judge’s 476-page ruling, the absence of a semicolon on the 2024 Iowa ballot created a “semantic ambiguity” so severe that “it cannot be said with constitutional certainty that the electorate unequivocally intended to vote for Trump as President rather than, say, Trump as a guy just interested in the United States.”

The case was brought forward by the League for Democratic Obstruction (LDO), a nonprofit legal group formed in early 2017 whose primary mission is “ensuring the federal judiciary has final say on all presidential matters, up to and including White House Christmas decorations.”

“This ruling isn’t about politics,” said LDO’s lead attorney Clarinda Fogg-Townsend while sipping from a mug that read “Orange Man Overruled.” “It’s about protecting democracy from itself. Sometimes voters make mistakes—like electing someone we don’t like. That’s why we have brave Biden-appointed judges like Skip Justice to step in.”

The Trump administration immediately condemned the ruling as “completely absurd and un-American,” though legal experts were quick to point out that absurdity has never been grounds for reversal in the Ninth Circuit.

Critics argue the ruling is part of a growing trend in which district court judges wield godlike authority over national policy, far exceeding typical checks and balances. Since Trump's 2024 reelection, federal judges have issued numerous rulings blocking various actions and executive orders. Judge John Coughenour in Seattle issued a preliminary injunction halting Trump’s executive order attempting to end birthright citizenship, a move echoed by Judge Deborah L. Boardman in Maryland. A Washington, D.C. judge extended a block on Trump’s blanket freeze of all governmental grants and loans, deeming it “irrational” and a “nationwide crisis.” Multiple judges, including those in the District of Columbia, blocked efforts to deport alleged Venezuelan gang members using the Alien Enemies Act of 1798, shut down USAID, and cancel $20 billion in climate change grants. Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly in Washington ruled that Trump lacked authority to require proof of citizenship for voter registration. Additionally, U.S. District Judge Susan Illston in San Francisco blocked large-scale layoffs at about 20 federal agencies, ruling that only Congress can authorize such restructuring. These rulings, often citing constitutional overreach, have significantly checked the administration’s agenda, with some cases now under appeal.

“This is totally normal in a functioning democracy,” said CNN legal analyst Take Crapper. “Presidents are supposed to propose policies and get elected on those promises—and then unelected judges are supposed to block those policies indefinitely until voters lose hope. It's the American way.”

When asked about the constitutional precedent for such a decision, Judge Skip Justice cited Hamilton v. Grammar Nazis (1943), a case in which a comma led to the wrongful annexation of Vermont.

“It’s not about who got the most votes,” said the judge from behind the bench. “It’s about upholding the sacred trust of typographical clarity.”

As of press time, the Harris/Walz campaign has issued a cautiously celebratory statement: “We thank Judge Skip Justice for ensuring that the American presidency is not determined by something as reckless and outdated as ‘elections.’ And we assure the American people that our semicolon use is impeccable.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s legal team is preparing an appeal based on the “We All Know What They Meant” doctrine, but insiders say the odds are slim—especially after the 5th Circuit Court ruled yesterday that the Electoral College is “a nonbinding suggestion, unless it goes our way.”

In a final twist, Judge Justice ordered that until the matter is resolved, all presidential duties shall be temporarily transferred to transgender TikTok influencer Lilly Tino. However, the ruling was dated “June 1sd,” which may now invalidate the ruling itself due to a missing ordinal suffix correction—pending a review by the Supreme Court of Typo Appeals. What are your thoughts on district court judges blocking actions by the Trump Administration? Fair checks and balances or an egregious overreach? Let us know in the comments below!

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