District Court Judge Orders Trump to Reassemble Exploded Venezuelan Drug Boat
Trump must personally scuba dive to collect the wreckage and any remaining fentanyl, the judge found.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ruling so bizarre that even Hunter Biden called it “a little much,” the honorable Judge Tess E. Tickles has ordered President Trump to personally scuba dive into the Caribbean, recover the charred remains of a narco-terrorist drug boat destroyed by a U.S. military strike, and reassemble it “with compassion and artistic integrity.”
The order further requires Trump to return the refurbished boat to Venezuelan cartels along with reparations in the form of a $50 DoorDash gift card, three emotional-support peacocks, and a signed copy of Michelle Obama’s memoir. Any surviving fentanyl is to be shipped directly to South Central Los Angeles “to honor the dreams and aspirations of the dearly departed cartel members. It’s what they would have wanted,” Judge Tickles wrote in her 426-page decision, which also included recipes for vegan empanadas and a poem titled Ode to the Coca Leaf.
The Coast Guard has already warned that attempting to reassemble the drug boat underwater could violate maritime safety laws — unless Trump secures a permit from Greta Thunberg, who has been named Special Envoy for Eco-Friendly Narco-Trafficking.
At a hastily arranged press conference at the White House, Trump blasted the ruling. “Folks, I’ve done a lot of things — I built the greatest economy, I stopped wars, I made America great again — but let me tell you, I’m not rebuilding a drug boat for criminals, okay? This lunatic judge wants me in a scuba suit, folks. Can you imagine me in flippers? I’d look like a very handsome dolphin, maybe the best dolphin, but still — not happening. And sending fentanyl to South Central? Even Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t order that, and believe me, she’s ordered some crazy things. Next thing you know they’ll want me to sew a suicide bomb vest for Al Queda! Crazy stuff, folks.”
Mainstream media outlets unsurprisingly applauded the verdict with all the sincerity of a gypsy greeting tourists at the Colosseum.
CNN declared the ruling “a historic step toward restorative justice for transnational organized crime.”
The New York Times described the order as “a bold attempt to heal the delicate cultural relationship between fentanyl traffickers and American inner cities.”
MSNBC praised Judge Tickles for “thinking outside the box” and suggested Trump use the opportunity to “learn underwater welding, a skill vital to the future green economy.”
NPR called it “a beautiful intersection of maritime law, social equity, and Trump Derangement Syndrome.”
The ruling also stipulates that once restored, a replica boat must be entered into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, where it will float down 5th Avenue blasting reggaetón and handing out free samples to children “to celebrate diversity and inspire the next generation of cartel leadership.”
Meanwhile, Venezuelan cartel leaders reportedly said they were “thrilled” about the prospect of their boat being rebuilt, but asked if we could “throw in a new Bluetooth speaker system and maybe a Margaritaville blender.”
In short: America’s justice system just sank even lower — and Judge Tess E. Tickles wants the president to pick up the pieces, one soggy kilo at a time. What are your thoughts on the military strike on the Venezuelan drug boat, and the reaction to it? Let us know in the comments below!
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Our sources say Trump may attempt to use a loophole known as Thermodynamics Excuse and declare that the scattered parts of the boat, being too small in size, have succumbed to entropy and are thus impossible to collect. Legal experts however maintain that «thermodynamics» isn't part of any legal code, that Congress has never paid any regard to «thermodynamics», and that it might be European pseudoscience after all.
Lol. This is the first I've heard of this since I don't pay any attention to mainstream media and haven't been watching alternative media the last couple of weeks, but of course as always the big Banks and the CIA and some evil branch of the Pentagon and whoever else are making huge profits off of selling hard drugs in the USA and elsewhere would definitely be saying negative things about Trump trying to stop there drug trade! And of course they own and control the mainstream media. I wish they would blow up all those kind of boats and all the scumbags selling and transporting that shit and use the military as much as possible to eliminate the hard drug trade! I know, it's not politically correct for the libtards, but I also don't give a rats ass! It's time to eliminate hard drugs and really save the USA and other countries! Just smash the shit out of those hard drug cartels! And use the military to do it! It's an all-out war and when there's a war we have to use the military! Of course a big part of the problem is that they will also have to go after all those bankers and the CIA and part of the Pentagon and whoever else to really eliminate the problem. So it would be a really huge War! But we can do it and we can win! Instead of this Half Baked excuse for a war on hard drugs. I also think that anybody selling hard drugs should be prosecuted for treason! Yes treason! They are destroying the United States and other countries from the inside and that is treason! Like I said I don't give a damn what the stupid childish fake liberals or libtards think! On the other hand I want marijuana legal all over the world even though I don't smoke it, but I used to. Of course too much marijuana is harmful just like too much of anything is harmful so obviously it should be used in moderation like everything else. Thanks for the great satirical posts!