Disney Announce Casting Call for "Insufferable Young Woke Activist" to Play Sleeping Beauty

The film giant doubled down following the flop of Snow White and vows a "revoltingly cringe" adaptation.

BURBANK, CA – Following the catastrophic box office faceplant of 'Snow White and the Seven Bad Decisions,' Disney executives have apparently learned the most counterintuitive lesson imaginable: The movie wasn’t woke enough. Now, in an effort to double down harder than a blackjack dealer with a death wish, Disney has announced an open casting call for their next live-action princess, with a clear mandate: find someone as falsely enlightened, ideologically rigid, and absolutely unbearable as humanly possible.

According to an anonymous Disney insider, the studio’s 'Snow White' remake—starring Rachel Zegler—flopped because Zegler’s woke antics didn’t go far enough. “Sure, she made fun of the original film, insulted Prince Charming, and claimed the movie was about a woman ‘fighting fascism,’ but did she alienate enough demographics? No, and that was the problem,” said the insider, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear he’d be forced to play Cinderella again at corporate events.

To rectify this oversight, Disney has decided to go full throttle with its ‘Sleeping Beauty’ remake, announcing a casting call for an “insufferable young woke activist (male, female, or otherwise)” to take on the role of the beloved Princess Aurora. Qualifications include:

- Must identify as at least four different marginalized identities simultaneously, preferably all of them contradictory.

- Armpit hair long enough to braid, ideally dyed neon green.

- Fluent in TikTok call-out culture, with a verified history of canceling friends, family, and childhood pets over microaggressions.

- A degree in Advanced Gender Studies from Harvard or Yale, with bonus points for protesting the deportation of rapists and murderers.

- Unshakeable belief that Sleeping Beauty’s coma is actually a metaphor for late-stage capitalism, which Aurora will ultimately dismantle through interpretive dance and land acknowledgments.

In the casting description, Disney specifically states that “anyone with a balanced worldview, a healthy sense of humor, or not on SSRIs need not apply!”

When asked whether this approach might further alienate audiences after Snow White’s lackluster reception, the insider waved off the question. “Look, we know people are saying it bombed because we ignored the fans, disrespected the original story, and turned a beloved fairy tale into a socialist fever dream with CGI dwarfs that looked like rejected 'Shrek' characters. But that’s not it. It’s because we weren’t woke enough. We’re doubling the message this time—and if that fails, we’ll triple it. We’re ready to do a 'Little Mermaid 2' where black Ariel throws Molotov cocktails at oil rigs if necessary.”

The numbers, however, tell a different story. Snow White stumbled at the box office with a disappointing opening weekend, grossing just $43 million domestically against a hefty $250 million production budget and likely a similar marketing budget. Confirming expectations, the film fell short of projections that estimated a $45-55 million debut, marking it as one of the studio's lowest-performing live-action remakes to date. Critics delivered mixed reviews, with a 44% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, citing its mediocrity and lackluster execution. Globally, it earned $87 million, a far cry from the roughly $500-625 million needed to break even, signaling yet another bomb for Disney.

Industry analysts say the studio may need to course-correct soon. “Disney has forgotten the golden rule: People want to be entertained, not lectured,” said one Hollywood observer. “If they don’t prioritize good storytelling, relatable characters, and a little bit of magic, instead of ideological purity tests, they’re going to keep hemorrhaging money faster than a Democrat city.”

As for who will eventually be cast in the lead role, that remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: whoever Disney chooses will be, without a doubt, the wokest princess who ever got magically roofied by a spindle. After all, 'Sleeping Beauty' isn’t about love anymore—it’s about dismantling the patriarchy, one low-grossing box office weekend at a time.

When reached for comment, Disney declined to provide specifics but hinted that they were also considering a reboot of Bambi, in which he becomes a vegan climate activist and vandalizes the Mona Lisa to protest fossil fuels. And Senator Elizabeth Warren is reportedly in talks regarding a live-action Pocahontas. Stay tuned. Or don’t. It’s probably problematic. What are your thoughts on the flop of Snow White and this satirical follow up? Will Disney correct course or is it too late? Let us know in the comments below!

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