D.C. Declared Safest City in America After Entire Police Database Accidentally Deleted
Officials call it “a miracle of modern policing.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning development for public safety — and public relations — Washington, D.C. has been officially declared the Safest City in America after the Metropolitan Police Department (MPD) accidentally deleted its entire crime database during what officials described as a “routine PowerPoint upgrade.”
Mayor Muriel Bowser called the announcement “a major victory for transparency,” noting that “without evidence of crime, technically there is none.” She added, “This proves what we’ve been saying all along: D.C. is safer than ever. Our streets are clean, our neighborhoods are peaceful, and our citizens are only moderately armed.”
A Database Disaster or Policy Masterstroke?
Sources inside MPD say the database was wiped after an intern attempted to “update the system’s font to Comic Sans for a more approachable vibe.” The catastrophic keystroke erased decades of crime reports, evidence logs, and suspiciously detailed expense reimbursements for “consulting dinners” at Michelin-starred restaurants.
“This is the greatest statistical achievement in law enforcement history,” said Police Chief Pamela Smoot, standing in front of a freshly printed banner reading ZERO CRIMES REPORTED SINCE 2025! “We have reached total public safety by eliminating the root cause of crime — paperwork.”
Trump Sends National Guard Anyway
Despite D.C.’s new squeaky-clean image, President Trump sent in the National Guard earlier this week to “clean up crime and make the capital great again,” calling the city “a war zone that looks like a Target clearance aisle after Black Friday.”
Local officials were furious. “How dare he deploy troops here when we’ve cooked the books better than a Bobby Flay ribeye?” shouted Councilmember Jalen Frost, while ducking behind a podium to avoid stray bullets from an outside carjacking. “This is political theater, plain and simple. Besides, the only thing people are stealing now is election integrity! Now excuse me while I commute home accompanied by my highly trained armed security detail.”
Final Twist
Later in the day, MPD unveiled a bold new initiative: The Permanent Database Deletion Program™. According to Chief Smoot, “We’ve decided to schedule weekly data purges to maintain our spotless record. It’s the only way to keep crime rates at absolute zero.”
When asked if this might interfere with ongoing investigations, the Mayor replied, “What investigations? According to our stats, D.C. has been a utopia since breakfast. And furthermore, we've also deleted our budget spreadsheets which has eliminated the city's $1.2 billion deficit. Who knew public safety and fiscal responsibility was this easy?” What are your thoughts on the allegations of crime data falsification in Washington, D.C., and Trump sending in the National Guard? Let us know in the comments below!
Thanks for reading! Please consider a $5 monthly/$45 yearly subscription for access to our private chat featuring bonus content and previews, plus submit your ideas! Your support helps further our mission to roast the powers that be.
Feed The Farce:
Venmo: @thefarcefeed
Cash App: $thefarcefeed
DC police commander suspended, accused of changing crime statistics—NBC
DOJ investigating whether DC officials falsified crime data—The Hill
Of course since this is satire there are exaggerations, but I wonder how much of that really happened. This is the first I've heard of it. I wonder how much was really deleted. Sounds like something they would do, fake the statistics, like the government frequently does. Of course it's nice to have a beautiful capital and the area around it being nice and beautiful. But what about the homeless? How about giving them places to live like they do in Europe Canada Australia New Zealand and probably Russia and wherever! Putting them in tents outside of DC somewhere like Trump suggested before? LMAO. Trump can be so ridiculous! They should do what Seattle did. Give housing to the homeless.
Lol