Celebrity's Child Comes Out as Straight & NOT Trans, Hollywood Stunned
Actress Megan Fox reported the incident to Child Protective Services and is demanding a federal investigation.
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a shocking announcement that has left Tinseltown reeling, Doug Cruise, the 14-year-old son of A-list mega-star Brad Cruise, bravely came out yesterday as a heterosexual, non-transgender male.
“I just like girls,” Doug confessed during an exclusive TMZ interview. “And I’m pretty comfortable in my body. I know it’s not very brave or stunning, but it’s just who I am.”
Within minutes, the Hollywood elite began issuing statements of outrage, disappointment, and confusion. Actress Megan Fox took to Instagram, posting a black square with the caption: “Being cisgender is not a vibe. Try harder, Doug.” Meanwhile, Jamie Lee Curtis blasted the teen on The View. “Doug is dangerously normal,” she said, adjusting her over-sized lavender bifocals. “That kind of cis-het energy has no place in a progressive society. If he doesn’t identify as at least pansexual by brunch, we’re boycotting his father’s films.”
Jennifer Lopez, speaking at her 9th wedding this year, chimed in, “Straightness is a construct created by capitalism. I refuse to work with anyone who hasn’t brainwa… er, instilled this in their kids.”
The backlash was swift and surreal. Within hours, MSNBC ran a breaking segment titled “Doug Cruise and the Dangerous Rise of Cis Supremacy.” CNN analysts debated whether his heterosexuality was a form of violence and a threat to democracy. The New York Times published an op-ed titled “Why Being Attracted to the Opposite Sex is Problematic, and Also Probably Russian.”
Media outlets began digging into Brad Cruise’s past, uncovering a damning 1993 interview in which he described himself as “a man.” A coalition of Bluesky users responded with the hashtag #CancelBradCruise, calling for Warner Brothers to cancel all movies he hasn’t even made yet.
Meanwhile, Hollywood insiders are whispering nervously about the statistical anomaly Doug represents. “We ran the numbers,” said UCLA gender probability theorist Dr. Aiden Moonstone (they/them/thin-skinned), “and the chance of a celebrity child being straight in 2025 is roughly 1 in 4.3 billion. It’s like finding a unicorn who pays taxes.”
Some speculate that Doug’s condition—known as "Cisnormative Syndrome"—may be the result of Brad Cruise’s refusal to attend the 2016 Met Gala, or that one time he described Lady Gaga as "a shit actor." But others believe the real problem lies deeper. “For years, celebrities have been desperate to belong to a marginalized, oppressed group,” said one analyst. “And what better way to do that than by raising a nonbinary queer vegan who identifies as an ancestral wind? Doug’s existence threatens that.”
One anonymous PR agent admitted, “Some stars just quietly start using neopronouns for their toddlers because it makes Vanity Fair call them brave. But now Doug’s gone rogue. What if other celebrity kids start realizing they’re… just normal? What's next? Sandra Bullock's daughter comes out as a regular ol' tomboy? The whole system collapses.”
In a last-ditch attempt to salvage the situation, Brad Cruise released a heartfelt video apology in which he promised to send Doug to a summer camp in Portland “to explore his fluidity,” and added that he’s currently consulting with Demi Lovato and Bella Ramsey about a possible “straight cis exorcism.”
A group of celebrities led by Elliot Page and Sam Smith have formed a support group called “Famous Actors Against Straight Offspring (FAASO),” dedicated to helping celebrity children find their inner they/them. Doug has been formally disinvited from the next Teen Vogue gala, and replaced by an 11-year-old TikTok star who identifies as a sentient crystal.
In a final blow to his reputation, Doug Cruise was seen playing football and holding hands with a girl — activities now considered hate crimes in the greater Los Angeles area. When asked if he might still identify as something other than straight, Doug replied, “I mean, I listen to Coldplay. Does that count?” What are your thoughts on the sharp increase of Hollywood celebrities with LGBTQ children? A natural, benign occurrence or parental coercion? Let us know in the comments below!
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The problem with this is that i can sorta kind of tell it's satire if I look at it askance, but straight on it looks legit enough to pass as real.
What a clown world...
The psychopathy and narcissism of large parts of celebrity America, a part that in normal times is just silly and without meaning, becomes hugely dangerous when, to be noticed even more, parents deliberately contaminate their children. It's called Munchhausen's by Proxy.
This is a crime, it is unforgivable, and that parts of the Silly Media, propped up by misanthropic billionaires, should support and spread this pestilence is possibly worse.
Kissinger-no-Relation, thank you for this article.
I live in the global south, a world with real problems, not invented ones conjured up in fame-obsessed minds living in a toxic bubble.
I pray that its baleful influence does not spread too far, but fear that it might.
Wake up, America. Your children are being mercilessly brainwashed by powerful entities, using Hollywood as HQ.