Canadian Police Chief Forgets Speech after 45 Minute Land Acknowledgment
"It probably wasn't that important, eh?" she said at a press conference about a kidnapping.
HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA — A press conference meant to address the kidnapping of a 13-year-old girl took a bewildering turn Thursday, when Nova Scotia Police Chief Chantal Bouchard opened the proceedings with a land acknowledgment so extensive, it appeared to transcend time, space, and basic priorities.
“I want to begin by acknowledging we are on the traditional unceded territory of the Mi'kmaq people,” Bouchard said, standing solemnly behind the podium. “We also acknowledge the Beothuk, the Maliseet, the Abenaki, and the possibly mythological maritime tribe known as the Seafaring Wendigo.”
Bouchard then continued, her eyes fluttering closed in reverent tone: “We also pay our respects to ancient lost civilizations such as the Lemurians, who possibly vanished beneath the ocean eons ago, the Atlanteans who may have guided humanity with crystal technology, and, of course, the Anunaki, who descended from Nibiru to genetically engineer early hominids. We honor them, wherever their spaceship is parked.”
By the 43-minute mark, reporters had quietly begun Googling “how to get out of a land acknowledgment without looking rude.” Two journalists attempted escape by pretending to faint.
Finally, at 45 minutes, Bouchard clasped her hands together, nodded solemnly, and stared blankly at the camera.
“What was I gonna say, then?” she asked. “It probably wasn’t that important, eh?”
The baffling scene has reignited public criticism over the increasingly performative nature of “land acknowledgments” at official events — particularly when they appear to completely replace the actual point of the event. Critics argue that reciting the names of displaced tribes — and occasionally long-lost sci-fi civilizations — may score virtue points on Bluesky but does absolutely nothing for the actual descendants of those tribes, nor for kidnapped children currently in the trunk of a 2006 Pontiac Sunfire.
“It’s spiritual slacktivism,” said sociologist Dr. Kyle Withers. “You get to sound enlightened without doing anything. It's like lighting a candle for someone, except a candle actually produces something useful, light, unlike a land acknowledgment."
The absurdity is reminiscent of the 2023 incident in which Ben & Jerry’s publicly joined the “Land Back” movement — until Don Stevens, Chief of the Nulhegan Band of the Coosuk Abenaki Nation, pointed out that the ice cream company’s headquarters in Burlington, Vermont, sat on his ancestral lands. After his polite request to reclaim the property, he was ghosted harder than a Tinder match with eight year old photos.
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the gesture,” Chief Stevens said at the time. “But maybe next time just cut the check instead of giving me a Cherry Garcia.”
Back in Nova Scotia, reporters finally received a follow-up statement hours later — a written note hastily taped to the precinct door reading: “Please email any further questions to the spirits of the Anunaki. We remain in sacred dialogue.”
The kidnapped girl’s parents, understandably distraught, said they are praying for her safe return — and hoping authorities will spend slightly less time paying tribute to ancient cultures and more time looking for their child.
As for Chief Bouchard, she is expected to hold another press conference tomorrow — this time to address the alarming rise in local crime while honoring the Homo Habilis, an early subset of Neanderthals said to roam Canada during the Paleolithic era. What are your thoughts on land acknowledgments? A sincere attempt to honor past tribes that inhabited our lands, or a shallow performative virtue signal? Let us know in the comments below!
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Canadian Police Chief Land Acknowledgment—Viva Frei on X
You had me up until seafaring wendigo. It’s that crazy now.
Nice satire, there must have an almost limitless supply of material supplied by progressives. I actually didn't know land acknowledgements were a big thing, but I shouldn't be surprised since the progressive universe is 75%+ performance virtue signaling. Vanity is one of the 4 driving motivations of human behavior according to philosopher Bertrum Russell, the other three being acquisition, rivalry and love of power. What better way to feed your vanity than making a tik tok video acknowledging the rights of indigenous people you've never met much less have an understanding of their history.
Dig deep enough and most civilizations have conquered or displaced other civilizations, which seems to be the way humans do things.
South Africa is a classic example. Most uniformed people think white Dutch settlers displaced the native black population. Not true. The Dutch settled an empty landscape except for an occasional family of nomadic kalahari bush man. The indigenous black population of the Zulu nation was migrating south while the Dutch were migrating north on the east coast of southern africa.
Who was there first, depends on where, the there was.
Of course that nuance is irrelevant if you're virtue signally.
Dick Minnis
removingthecataract.substack.com