BREAKING: Hitler Breaks Silence, Reveals Death Hoax, Endorses Harris
"She's got it all wrong, and here's why I'm pledging her my full support," the bombshell testimony began.
In a shocking revelation that makes for a true "October Surprise," an elderly man claiming to be Adolf Hitler has emerged from the shadows to endorse Kamala Harris in the 2024 presidential race. Speaking via an alleged ham radio connection to several independent Argentine media outlets, Hitler stated, “Look, I'm torn quite frankly and it’s a toss up between Trump and Harris, but for my money, Kamala has what it takes.”
Yes, this would make him an incredible 135 years old, but Hitler attributes his longevity to a special elixir developed by the Nazis, along with good diet, yoga, exposure to fire and plenty of rest. Claiming to have faked his own death in 1945, the elderly war criminal purportedly fled to Argentina to live out his remaining years discreetly. He expressed irritation over Harris’ recent comparison of Donald Trump to himself and decided to set the record straight, claiming to align more closely with the policies and values of the Biden/Harris administration, and of course Dick and Liz Cheney.
Despite his reluctance to be compared to the former president, Hitler admitted admiration for some of Trump's more fascistic tendencies and pro-war rhetoric, in addition to his bombastic over-the-top persona. “The big rallies, the ‘shock value,’ the penchant for simple nationalist slogans— it’s something,” he conceded. “But Harris has really mastered the fine art of bureaucratic oppression so well that I'm willing to overlook her genetic shortcomings.”
Hitler lauded the government's Covid-era policies, which started under Trump and reached new tyrannical heights under Biden, particularly how they handled dissenters. “The unvaccinated painted as unclean vectors of disease, ostracized and segregated from society—now that is an approach I can get behind,” he mused nostalgically. “It takes real dedication to so thoroughly villainize an entire group for refusing a government-mandated experimental medical treatment. Reminds me of the good ol’ days!”
The aging leader assured listeners that his heart still holds "a little warmth" for Trump, however, despite his stance on Israel. “It’s like choosing between bratwurst and schnitzel," he said. "Trump’s over-the-top rhetoric is fantastic! But Harris? She’s got that real Armageddon vibe. When she cackles incessantly and rambles incoherently, you can practically feel the loss of liberty… and brain cells."
As the interview wound to a close, Hitler offered Americans a word of advice, saying, “When it comes down to it, vote your heart and your conscience. And if you like 'em both, vote the greater of two evils, hah!"
The FBI has vowed to investigate this story, confirm his identity and apprehend Hitler, right after they crack the "Martha Edwards-Parental Rights Activist" case. What are your thoughts on this far-fetched, farcical revelation? Let us know in the comments below!
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Hilarious as usual! And not so far fetched. Funny and true! Well maybe not the Hitler part. LOL. But he probably would say something like that if he was still here on Earth. And who knows, maybe he is. Thanks a lot for more satirical laughter.
Straddled the bi-partisan line but made your point, and came so close to the edge with the subtle reference to racial purity which was very much in accord with what would have been the fuhrer's position, but cancel culture is sure to be offended. Stepped on everyone's toes...Well done.
Dick Minnis
removingthecataract.substack.com