Black Lives Matter Decry Police Shooting of Quarter-Black Serial Killer
A spokesperson claimed justice will require three new mansions and a lavish vacation in the Bahamas.
TUCSON, AZ – In a move that has onlookers shaking their heads in exhausted detestation, Black Lives Matter has rallied behind one-quarter-black serial killer Dereck Kapinski, infamously known to locals (and therapists) as "The Tucson Tormentor." His resume includes such modest accomplishments as animal abuse, mutilation, kidnapping, and crimes against humanity—acts so heinous they'd make Freddy Krueger wince. Kapinski, a madman with a diverse heritage (one-quarter-black, one quarter-Latvian, and half-Lithuanian), was fatally shot by police after he charged at them wielding a human femur bone sharpened to a lethal point—a weapon we’d argue takes both creativity and an alarming amount of time. BLM's response? A claim of racial bias and police brutality, naturally.
A BLM spokesperson, channeling the spirit of entitlement, demanded his own brand of "justice." "It's clear that Kapinski's one-quarter-blackness was what led to his demise. It was the real reason he wasn’t simply subdued with a hug and given access to free housing. It's racism, plain and simple. Dereck Kapinski’s death is a stain on our society. To cleanse it, we’ll need immediate funding for three new multi-million dollar mansions in all-white Ocean Beach, California, and a restorative vacation in the Bahamas, for therapeutic purposes, of course. Justice can’t happen until our leadership is sipping piña coladas while contemplating systemic oppression."
This isn't the first time BLM has stirred controversy. Ever since the public discovered that founding member Patrisse Cullors, a self-described "trained Marxist," used millions in donations to snag luxury homes instead of aiding black communities, the group has been labeled a "scam" by critics and donors alike. This revelation hit harder than a looter on a Target clearance rack, and subsequent calls for accountability have been met with vague answers, accusations of "white supremacy," and, for some reason, more mansions.
And let’s not forget the collateral damage. Following the George Floyd riots, America endured over $1 billion in property damage—a fun little consequence of "fiery but mostly peaceful protests." Businesses burned, livelihoods crumbled, but BLM banners waved triumphantly. Because nothing says "justice" like torching the nearest Mexican restaurant.
Of course, crime statistics inconveniently refute the BLM narrative. Data shows that police shootings of unarmed black men are exceedingly rare and largely proportional to the circumstances of the encounters, and police presence is allocated based on crime prevalence. But who needs stats when you have hashtags and virtue signaling?
This recent Kapinski incident follows BLM’s outcry over the Daniel Penny case, where Penny, a white former Marine, was acquitted after restraining Jordan Neely, a mentally ill homeless black man threatening passengers on a New York City subway train. Penny held him in a choke hold for several minutes and Neely later died in police custody. BLM's response was an ominous call for mass protests and "no peace," and even "Black vigilantes," blaming the verdict on racism despite the facts of the case and the racially diverse jury.
Amidst the chaos, it’s worth remembering the wisdom of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: individuals should be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin—a notion the left largely rejects these days. Good parenting, personal responsibility, and stable households are far more powerful solutions than outrage-fueled riots. Blaming external forces for every personal setback turns victimhood into a self-fulfilling prophecy. The focus should be on uplifting oneself and one's community through responsibility and hard work, not through divisive rhetoric. Meanwhile, the establishment happily fuels racial tensions to keep citizens distracted from class issues and the puppet masters pulling the strings.
And so, while BLM organizes its next beachfront "strategy session," perhaps we can all agree on one thing: if you’re going to charge at police with a sharpened femur, it’s not your heritage that’s the problem. It’s the very bad decision-making skills. RIP, Dereck Kapinski—25% black, 100% unhinged. But hey, at least his femur knife showed bone-deep commitment. What are your thoughts on BLM and their response to the satirical Kapinski story and the very real Daniel Penny case? Let us know in the comments below!
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This would be believable as a real article, that's how absurd BLM actually is. Their cash cow officially died after news came out about the purchase of those mansions. Now they're just buffoons who don't have the self-respect to hang their heads in shame and quietly fade away. FBLM.
LOL. Hilarious! Thanks for clarifying things in such a funny way! As far as I know George Soros was either the founder or one of the founders of BLM and he didn't found it for altruistic reasons, he founded it to screw over the United States even more than he already had because he hates the USA and even said that he wants to destroy the United States, that that is his mission. Of course I understand the anger against the American NATO Empire, but that is why he founded BLM, to create more chaos in the United States and screw it over even more.