Biden to Host Pole Vault at Texas Border
The new initiative comes in response to Texas subverting the federal government's "open borders" policy.
Eagle Pass, TX - In an unexpected turn of events, President Joe Biden has devised a creative solution to address the ongoing border crisis in Texas. Responding to Texas Governor Greg Abbott's declaration of intent to secure the southern border in defiance of the federal government, Biden announced a grand high-stakes Pole Vault competition to encourage more migrants to enter the United States illegally, for reasons, while simultaneously showcasing their athletic abilities.
The event, titled "Vaulting to Freedom," is set to take place in Eagle Pass at the site of a newly erected razor wire fence, where participants will be required to pole vault their way into the land of opportunity. The contest aims to showcase the resilience and determination of those seeking a better life in the U.S. The president, armed with a pole vaulting stick and a determined grin, asserted his belief that sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to take a leap of faith. "We're embracing the spirit of competition and athleticism to welcome our friends from across the border," Biden declared, to a roll of passing armadillos.
This comes on the heels of Governor Abbott's insistence on defending the Texas border, citing Biden's dereliction of duty, and state's rights. "Instead of prosecuting immigrants for the federal crime of illegal entry, President Biden has sent his lawyers into federal courts to sue Texas for taking action to secure the border," he said in an official statement, adding that the state's right to defend itself "is the supreme law of the land and supersedes any federal statutes to the contrary."
Critics of the pole vault argue that this approach is absolutely insane and moronic, mainly because of the potential for impalement and death should the unfortunate vaulter not make it over the sharp, expansive razor wire. But the White House remains undeterred. In a press briefing, Press Secretary Cringe Jean-Pierre defended the decision, stating, "We believe in embracing creativity and athleticism in solving complex problems. Pole vaulting may just be the key to uplifting marginalized communities." She also downplayed the risks, assuring the public that a team of drag queen TikTok influencers would be on-hand to administer any necessary medical treatment.
The border crisis, a hot potato in the Biden administration, has seen a massive influx of migrants. Border states, overwhelmed with the brunt of the crisis, began sending hundreds of thousands of migrants to Democrat-run so-called Sanctuary Cities, in an attempt to alleviate the burden. However, when faced with the reality of accommodating such numbers, most of these cities suddenly changed their tune, crying foul and declaring no vacancy. In fact, two such mayors, Eric Adams of NYC and Brandon Johnson of Chicago, even claimed they mistook the word "Sanctuary" for "Sanctimonious," in a lame excuse that no one bought.
In the midst of this chaotic crisis, Biden's Pole Vault Extravaganza promises to be a spectacle of determination and agility. Critics argue that this might not be the most practical solution to a complex problem, but the president insists it's a 'leap' in the right direction. He remains optimistic, stating he's open to hosting additional sporting events in the future, such as synchronized swimming across the Rio Grande.
As the nation awaits the pole vaulting extravaganza, immigration proponents and critics alike are urging the administration to consider a more comprehensive, safe and sane solution. Only time will tell if this grand spectacle will vault us over the many challenges associated with this complex issue. Still, for now, all eyes are on Texas, where pole vaulters from around the world are expected to gather for a chance at the American Dream, one leap at a time. What are your thoughts on this unusual proposal? Let us know in the comments below!
For the especially track and field talented illegals, Kamala Harris is hosting the poleless "High Jump to Liberty" competition, with both men's and women's events. (Transgender migrant men will, of course, compete in the women's event.).
The cartels are even rumored to be getting in on the act. They're lining up human cannonball artillery for the aspiring circus performers among the immigrants. They're aware that all the HIMARS the Texas National Guard might use to defend against this move have been shipped to Ukraine.
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