Biden Team Admit Using Autopen Because he Kept Signing "Ronald Reagan"
CNN anchor Take Crapper assured viewers it had no bearing on his ability to lead effectively.
Washington, D.C. – In what may go down as one of the most bizarre revelations in presidential history, a federal investigation has revealed why Biden resorted to using an autopen for his presidential pardons: the Commander-in-Chief kept signing documents with the wrong name—most notably, "Ronald Reagan." This bombshell comes hot on the heels of Donald Trump’s triumphant declaration that Biden’s recent pardons—issued via the controversial autopen—are “null and void, folks, totally fake, like Sleepy Joe’s hair plugs.”
An investigation, launched after Trump’s team smelled something fishier than a Mar-a-Lago shrimp buffet, uncovered a treasure trove of pardons and executive orders signed absurdly incorrect. During one particularly chaotic week in January, Biden allegedly signed off on three trade agreements as “Barack Hussein O’Biden,” vetoed a farm subsidy bill as “Sleepy Joe Stalin,” and authorized a drone strike on Yemen as “Joey B. Cornpop,” a nod to his mythical poolside nemesis from the 1960s. “We had no choice,” whimpered a haggard Deep State handler. “He’d sit there muttering, ‘Where’s my ice cream?’ and then sign ‘Jimmy Carter’s Ghost’ on a pardon for Hunter’s laptop repair guy. The autopen was our last resort.”
Biden’s senility, long a punchline among, well, anyone with eyes, reached new heights of absurdity during the probe. Sources say he once tried to pardon “that nice lady from Matlock” before aides gently reminded him Matlock was a TV show—and that Angela Lansbury wasn’t on it. “He just grinned and said, ‘Well, she deserves it anyway, Jack!’” recalled one staffer, who’s now on "adrenochrome duty" after disrupting the president mid-nap.
Over at CNN, anchor Take Crapper—yes, that’s his real name, folks—rushed to Biden’s defense on his nightly show, Crapper’s Crappy Hour. “This had no bearing on his ability to lead the country,” Crapper insisted, adjusting his toupee and horned tail. “Joe’s as sharp as ever—those signatures? Just a quirky little joke!” Viewers nodded along in agreement, blissfully ignoring the fact that Crapper’s new book, "Senile and Proud: The Inside Story of Biden’s Mental Decline," hit shelves this week. The 300-page tome details every gaffe Crapper dismissed on air—like when Biden announced a new 51st state—East Dakota, or tried to shake hands with a potted plant—while Crapper raked in royalties from the same suckers who tune in nightly. He even covered the time Joe called Michelle Obama "Big Mike," which some analysts called "a rare moment of clarity."
Crapper’s loyal audience, a mix of highly fluoridated hipsters and retirees who think CNN’s still “the news,” ate it up. “Take’s right,” said one fan, clutching her autographed copy of Senile and Proud. “Joe’s just being folksy! I mean, who hasn’t signed ‘Crusty Crustacean’ on a check by accident?” Another viewer, a guy named Beth who hasn’t turned off CNN since 2016, added, “I trust Take. So what—none of his predictions come true and I feel like shit after watching? He’s got gravitas. And great hair.” (Spoiler: It’s a wig, Beth.)
The White House, meanwhile, is scrambling to spin the fiasco. Former Press Secretary Cringe Jean-Pierre claimed Biden’s signature snafus were “a bold reimagining of presidential tradition,” but was stumped when asked why one pardon read “Abraham Stinkin'.” Trump, never one to miss a dunk, took to Truth Social: “Crooked Joe didn't even know which president he was—SAD! My signatures are the best, folks, big and beautiful, like Mount Rushmore. Autopen? I’d never. Unless I'm busy or tired, or it's Tuesday. Weak!”
As the controversy swirls, Biden himself remains unfazed—or possibly unaware. Spotted wandering a mall food court in his pajamas, he shouted to reporters, “Of course I know I'm not Ronald Reagan! I'm a much better actor. You think I don't know my true identity, Jack? It says it right here on my Costco card: Napoleon Bonerfart, Conqueror of Spaghettiville!" Aides quickly ushered him away, but not before he addressed a passing rat as “Mr. Speaker.”
In the end, it seems the autopen saga has given us all a glimpse into a presidency where the policy was as questionable as the penmanship. And while Biden’s team thinks him signing “Julius Sneezer” is a forgivable flub, Trump’s already planning to frame those pardons right next to his mug shot. Meanwhile, Liz Cheney and Adam Schiff insisted Biden is fit as a fiddle, autopen pardons are totally legit and the January 6th Committee was on the up-and-up, before announcing their new book: The Art of Witness Leading. Anthony Fauci later said Trump’s claims were “as ludicrous as not getting a 57th booster.” What are your thoughts on the autopen saga and whether the pardons are valid? Let us know in the comments below!
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Special thanks to long-time supporter Dick Minnis for the inspiration! Check out his expert political analysis at Removing the Cataract.
As always, the value of satire is its ability to share the dance floor with the truth. Good job.
Dick Minnis
One way to put it LOL. I sure hope they can get the pardons undone !