Biden Demands Refund on Adrenochrome

"This stuff's a total dud!" he declared after the black-market chemical compound failed to restore his youth and vitality.

Washington, D.C. - President Joe Biden has reportedly demanded a full refund on his latest batch of adrenochrome from his Satanic, Illuminati handlers, after his latest embarrassing, public brain-fart, claiming the fabled elixir of youth failed to restore his vitality and mental acuity as promised.

According to researchers and popular conspiracy theories, the elites employ child trafficking rings to harvest the chemical compound from frightened children, which is then injected into an adult as a means to preserve and restore good health.

In a heated confrontation behind the velvet curtains of the White House's secret underground lair (not on any official tour, of course), Biden allegedly confronted his hooded handlers, who were caught off guard in the midst of their weekly kitten sacrifice/knitting circle.

"Listen, Jack, you all sold me some bogus, knock-off crank!" Biden was heard exclaiming, his voice echoing through the cavernous hall lined with portraits of reptilian overlords and antique demonic artifacts. "I was promised boundless energy and a mind as sharp as a nail. Instead, I can barely read a coherent sentence off a teleprompter without shitting my pants! What gives?!"

Eyewitnesses, including a confused janitor who stumbled upon the scene while looking for the break room, reported that the President brandished an empty vial, shaking it furiously at the bewildered cabal members. "I'm supposed to be the picture of perfect health, instead I'm the laughing stock of social media!" Biden lamented. "It's a good thing we own NBC and ABC or those two late night Trump-deranged Jimmy fellas would be tearing me a new asshole! I can barely make it through a G7 flag ceremony without wandering off at the behest of imaginary voices. There's only so much more of this the American people will tolerate. I'm losing support faster than Dylan Mulvaney at a Bud Light convention. Even paid shills like "Brooklyn Dad," "JoJoFromJerz" and that Harry Sisson kid are starting to look at me funny."

Biden's Illuminati handlers, identified only by their code names Balthazar, Morgana, and Steve, attempted to pacify the President, explaining that recent supply chain issues had affected the potency of their adrenochrome shipments. "Ever since that big shipment got stuck in the Suez Canal, we've been dealing with subpar batches," Balthazar proclaimed, shrugging apologetically.

Sources close to the situation revealed that Biden was particularly miffed about the timing, having planned to showcase his rejuvenation during his upcoming high-stakes debate with Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump next week. "I can't face Trump like this!" he reportedly shouted. "That fat orange freak will mop the floor with me no matter how many 'uppers' they hop me up on!"

In an unprecedented move, Biden has filed an official complaint with the Better Business Bureau, citing "gross misrepresentation of product capabilities" and demanding either a refund or a lifetime supply of premium adrenochrome, the kind that "really gets the heart pumping and skin glowing."

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are in a state of utter chaos. Prominent researchers are scrambling to revise their intricate charts and Rumble videos to account for this unexpected twist. "We always knew the adrenochrome supply was shaky, but this… this changes everything," exclaimed "Off the Grid Sid" during a live-streamed emergency broadcast.

As the saga unfolds, it remains to be seen how this dispute will impact Biden's re-election campaign and the shadowy machinations of the global elite. Will his nefarious handlers be able to salvage their reputation and provide the rejuvenation their clients so desperately crave? Or will they face a mass exodus from disgruntled elites, leading to an unprecedented collapse of the adrenochrome black market?

For now, all eyes are on the White House, where a senile but determined Biden has vowed to continue his quest for youth and vitality, even if it means turning to alternative sources. Rumors are already swirling that he's considering an alliance with the "Order of the Eternal Fountain" cult out of Sarasota, Florida or the "Brotherhood of the Crimson Elixir" in New Mexico. Stay tuned for updates on this developing story, as we dig deeper into the murky underworld of supernatural anti-aging remedies and the powerful figures who rely on them. Let us know your predictions in the comments below!

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