Able-Bodied Unemployed Gamer Laments Loss of Medicaid
"This is literal genocide!"
MOM’S BASEMENT, DELAWARE — After the passage of President Trump’s much-touted “Big Beautiful Bill,” which controversially requires able-bodied adults to work a backbreaking 80 hours per month to receive Medicaid (approximately the time it takes to load one Skyrim mod), one man is sounding the alarm on what he calls “a humanitarian crisis of Xbox Live proportions.”
Twenty-eight-year-old Kyle Blarney, who lives in his mother’s finished basement and spends roughly 12 hours a day alternating between Call of Duty, Reddit forums, and microwave burritos, is devastated to learn that his Medicaid benefits have been “cruelly and savagely ripped away by orange fascism.”
“This is cruelty beyond comprehension,” Kyle said during an emotional CNN segment shot from his bean bag chair. “Just because I don’t technically have a job or pay taxes doesn’t mean I’m not a valuable contributor to society. I run a moderately upvoted Twitch channel and am very active in online discourse. I’ve educated dozens of people on late-stage capitalism and heteronormative oppression.”
Kyle, who previously received Medicaid benefits without conditions, now finds himself at a crossroads: work 20 hours per week, or pay out of pocket for treatment of what he calls “anxiety-related controller-thumb.”
“The Big Beautiful Bill is an abomination,” Kyle continued, pausing to slurp from a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. “It’s basically The Hunger Games, but for people who believe job applications are a form of wage slavery. The GOP wants us dead, me and my whole World of Warcraft squadron.”
Critics of the bill claim it discriminates against "philosophical freelancers" — a term Kyle uses to describe himself and his friend Josh, who once attended a ‘Just Stop Oil’ rally and now runs a YouTube channel called Dude, Where’s My Universal Basic Income?
When asked why he can’t simply find a part-time job to fulfill the requirement, Kyle scoffed.
“Oh, sure. I guess I’ll just put down my controller mid-Mortal Kombat, brush the Cheeto dust off my resume, and go work at some evil corporation that refuses to recognize Indigenous Peoples' Day. That’s what the fascists want, right? Total compliance.”
In the same interview, Kyle’s mother, Deborah Blarney, admitted she wasn’t aware her son was even on Medicaid. “I thought he just paid his medical bills upfront,” she said, while organizing Kyle’s Pokémon card collection to make room for his new Ninja Turtle figurines.
Despite the outcry from Kyle and a small-but-vocal group of Bluesky activists who have never worked but consider themselves economic experts, the bill remains broadly popular among taxpayers, the working class, and anyone who did not attend an Ivy League university.
In a passionate and tearful speech delivered on the House floor — flanked by a cardboard cutout of Karl Marx and a Twitch streamer known only as “StonedWizard69” — Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” as “a direct assault on gamers, low lives, and America’s most vulnerable freeloaders.” “This bill disproportionately affects those who courageously choose not to work,” AOC declared, dabbing her eyes with a “Tax the Rich” branded handkerchief. “Forcing people to labor a staggering 80 hours a month just to qualify for basic healthcare is not just economic violence — it’s literally ableist, classist, and lazyist.” She went on to cite a dubious Instagram infographic claiming that “rest is resistance” and warned that if the bill stands, “millions of adult children may be forced to interact with managers, wear name tags, or — God forbid — wake up before noon.”
In a final plea to the nation, Kyle Blarney begged President Trump to reconsider.
“Please, Mr. Trump. I know you hate the poor, but you don’t have to make us work. That’s basically violence. You’re destroying my constitutional right to game and grift in peace.”
Kyle then dramatically unplugged his Xbox and vowed to begin a hunger strike — which was quickly upended when his mother called down, “Dinner’s ready, honey. Pizza rolls and Dr. Pepper!”
At press time, Kyle was seen angrily tweeting, “TRUMP WANTS US DEAD!” — from a phone paid for by the "Lifeline" government assistance program. He then launched a Change.org petition demanding that ‘Call of Duty kills’ count towards the 80 hours. Because in Kyle’s America, the only thing that should work 80 hours a month is his Wi-Fi router. Kyle vowed to appeal the bill all the way to the Supreme Court... once he "finishes this level." He remains committed to fighting injustice—one rage tweet and Hot Pocket at a time. What are your thoughts on the Big Beautiful Bill and the impact it will have on health insurance availability? A heartless injustice or a necessary curtail? Let us know in the comments below!
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A lot of what you're saying on this one is funny, BUT!!!!! But unfortunately, at the same time, you sound like a right wing Republican now! There are lots of people who are suffering from various kinds of health and medical issues. I suffered from health problems and medical issues for many years and was not able to work a steady job because of that. Sometimes I was insulted or called lazy or whatever. I didn't even know much about health that then so I didn't know what the problem was. But I have learned a lot about health and Medicine both natural and allopathic. I know now that I had several serious medical issues such as severe chronic depression, a liberal element, severe low blood sugar and therefore a pancreatic disorder, and I also had often severe foot and back pain which interfered with a lot of things, often making it difficult to even walk much less work steady hours. Later on because I went through so much hell trying to survive without the help of family, I eventually had a severe case of PTSD. I barely survived all of it! Suicide was a frequent thought. It took many many years to finally get on Social Security which I finally got, but not until I was 52. I had to fight and battle to survive for decades prior to that. Thank God for food stamps because they saved my life. But I was homeless three times, one of those three times was for about a year. It's very hurtful emotionally when some arrogant asshole and judgmental hypocrite passes judgment on you and insults you because at the time you may not be working much if at all! Sometimes I was so sick I could barely stand up and make it to the bathroom! Other times I was actually able to walk! And some of the time I was actually able to work but not full time. But of course when you do have energy and your feeling strong enough then some idiots make the assumption that you are always strong and energetic and healthy and able to walk and therefore able to work! That is why it is against federal law, for people to diagnose others, in any so-called official sense, without training and certification and Licensing as a healthcare professional! Plus obviously there have to be many different medical tests and examinations that are done, physically emotionally and mentally! Health and illnesses or disorders is a very complicated thing! Nothing that Ordinary People can just decide simply because they see somebody walking down the sidewalk or doing any other activities such as talking or playing computer games, or eating food, or other simple and easy activities. Or just seeing them being active for just a few minutes or an hour or two or whatever. That's just means they are lucky enough to have some energy and strength some of the time. The energy level fluctuates tremendously causing them to be unable to work steadily. It's already depressing and painful enough to be chronically ill in the first place, or injured with physical pain, such as the foot and back pain I had for several decades, the back pain coming from a serious accident I had when I was much younger! Anyway, it's already terrible enough without having judgmental assholes who are not in a position to be judging people medically to be acting like they are doctors, with full training and certification and licensing, who have done all kinds of different medical tests on you including full questionnaires with all kinds of different questions, passing judgment or telling you what you supposedly should be doing which has no relevance at all to your medical condition or life or just telling you that you should be working! Those people can go fuck themselves! They have no right to be doing that! And they are not intelligent enough to know that health is a very complicated thing which requires many years of training and learning! So it's extremely important to be very careful in passing judgment on people who are not working. I have known many people who have been homeless or on Social Security or on food stamps or housing assistance or energy assistance or whatever, or any combination of those, and they were not simply lazy! They were chronically ill and injured people with medical conditions! I have known a lot of people and I have never known a single person who was simply just lazy! If they could work they were working, and if they weren't working there was good reason for it! So the kind of people you're referring to is really just a cliche coming from right-wing Republicans, who invariably have their heads up their asses, and are stupid enough to think that everyone is strong and healthy without any serious medical conditions! Not to mention other kinds of problems and the obstacles that can get in the way! There are also a lot of broken people, mentally emotionally and or physically! And the assholes who are passing judgment in their arrogance and cruelty do not know what the person or people are going through or what they have been through! It's easy to pass judgment like an arrogant idiot without knowing what the person is going through or what they have been through. Many people have been through more hell than a lot of people could imagine! That person living at home with one or both of their parents may not be able to hold a steady job for any number of different reasons! Even if they are capable of playing computer games or chatting online. We live in a very sick world with a lot of very sick and injured people and broken people and people going through hell or trying to recover from having gone through hell! So let's make very sure that we are not judgmental assholes, and that we do not make medical judgments without the medical training and all the medical examinations and complete medical knowledge about any particular person that is necessary before forming Medical opinions!! A full medical file is required before making medical judgments! And it could be a relatively thick file on any given individual! We don't know what people have been through or what they're going through until we really do know! So let us be compassionate and understanding and kind and humane toward ourselves and others and give people the benefit of the doubt, unless and until we really truly fully understand a person's physical emotional and mental medical conditions and really know what a person is going through or what they are recovering from going through before! So what if a few people might be taking advantage of the system! I don't really give a damn! Because the vast majority who are using the services that are available are using them because they need them! I know that because I have been through it for several decades!!!
the 6ig 6eautiful 6ill has everyone’s focus distracted by nickel -ing & dime-ing various programs… & not a peep about it’s $$$massive$$$ funding of the technocracy infrastructure needed for 2030